Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Brief introduction: I'm not a proper farmer. We moved to a smallholding, I'm still doing my regular job. We have some sheep and a few cows. Been here a few years now.

I don't know how to cope with the rain anymore. I'm sick of grey overcast skies from horizon to horizon for days on end. I don't want to see the rain blowing horizontally. I don't want to hear it thundering on the roofs and windows.

When it's sunny, I'm a different person. I love it, I'm happy, problems seem solvable, the future's bright. I'll spend happy time watching the sheep (turned out at last this weekend) or the cows (still in because we don't have enough grass for them yet).

But being in Wales, that doesn't last, so it rains again, and I grit my teeth and wait, but it doesn't seem to stop, and I want to scream for every minute that it's _still bloody raining_ and will probably go on forever. I've started doing the bare minimum in my outside jobs when it's raining because I can't stand it anymore.

It seems entirely possible, given last year's "Summer" that this weather needn't let up, and it'll just be unremittingly grey and sodden all through the year. I don't know how anyone manages to farm around here and I'm at my wits' end.

Hi.
Welcome to TFF, first off ik just how bad Welsh weather can be at times, but depend upon it the weather will let up very soon I would recommend getting a special lamp to look into for the sunlight effect. My nan and in fact most of my family suffer from SAD, the light mimics the sun and can truely help liven the senses. Vitamin supplements can also help it may be worthwhile speaking to your GP about it. Chin up lad, we are all here for you anytime. I myself have been helped by lots of people on here, through very tough times in my life, thing to remember is to take every day as it comes. I think of it like this... Every job whether minimal or great is still a big step forward. Think of it as how something gains weight, ok... Not best example but every little thing we do adds up and soon we will see those little things that we thought highly insignificant have formed into something very positive you work at something long enough and it will bring rewards. Each year is different some summers are bad, but some are very good it's all a bit of a hit and miss wherever we live, but that's climate change tbh. Sorry am rambling on a bit here. Just want to say you're not alone, keep talking we'll listen and offer advice/support where we can. You're welcome to message me if you like. I can't pretend to offer the best advice but I'm a good listener. In the meanwhile here's some lovely pics for you

Meet Penelope and Kevin

Meet Debbie, the mum, Devlin and Rodney
Don't be fooled by all the greenery, it's only just poking it's way up now, not much there...
The weather will get better DW and the grass may take a little longer to come through but it will, you'll see x

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

There is also a speech by a us marine on YouTube. It is very inspirational, I would recommend watching it

 

[Old Tip]

Welcome @dt995 you join a merry band of folk who struggle with life and love. We are all fighting our own battles for one reason or another, mostly brought on us by past traumas or lost loves. The current weather would make a saint swear and is getting every farmer in the country down. But as @waterbuffalofarmer says tomorrow is a new day and one day soon it will brighten up and the grass will grow. Surely we are due a good summer, at least as farmers we share our lives with the animals and wildlife we care for. Think of those poor soles traped in high rise flats with not even a garden or the poor folk fleeing war in Africa and the Middle East. I like you get very down and it’s goid to talk to folk and realise you are not alone, there is help if you need it and listening ears if you want to let off steam.
They often say the most intelligent and interesting people suffer from depression and anxiety as we think too much and over complicate things rather than just muddling through.
As my counsellor said to me, everyone see the world around them in a different way, my view is completely different to the person stood next to me. The trick is to actually like what you see and be able to enjoy it, as then you will like yourself

 

[Christoph1945]

Good evening and welcome dt995

Welcome aboard the good thread recovery. We are all making lots of progress in here and learning to open up about our life's traumas and challenges. Not sure about your present locating but would be interested to learn about your other job.

I also hate dark wet days but unlike you I don't have to keep a small holding or farm running. Often thought that I would have liked to have owned and run my own small holding but then I was a townie, with a romantic view of the country life and farming!

Stumbling in to TFF and meeting the good folk in this thread has been a real eye opener and education for me.

Stay safe, stay well, and above all try to stay dry.

Chris

 

[Juggler]

Had a sh!t day, first off one of the pet lambs looks like it’s dying. Then went to load some fat hoggs and somebody had left a gate open and mixed them with a group of ewes and lambs. While sorting them out noticed a ewe hasn’t been sucked out and found a headless lamb but not hers. Came back from dropping the hoggs off and found her lamb stuck in a hedge bottom unable to walk. Got to them in and then someone rang to say some Ewes and lambs were out. Went and got them back and fixed the fence, next door farmer said he had one of my Sheep and was going to shoot it if I didn’t get it. So ran round a field of bog, gorse and hillocks till between me and the dog we caught the Effie thing. Got home and it poured down, so in having a brew before I go out to find the next disaster. Wish I had a simpler life, hopefully things will improve, but at the moment I feel like I’m ready to retire. With the leg injury, toothache, flu, chest infection and losing 11kg I feel like half the man I was this time last year.
Apologies for the long moan but just wanted to have a good whinge

That sounds like the day from hell, the stress of things going wrong compound the health issues and make them worse, which increases the stress you feel, it's an awful spiral to be caught up in and I know that despondent feeling only too well. I found I have to tell myself it cant last forever when I'm feeling like that...trouble is it's difficult to believe that when it feels the world is against you. You're braver than you realise facing all this, hope it gets better soon.
On the positive side, at least your not a bell end like your neighbour.

 

[Chasingmytail]

On a positive note - this may help a few people. There is a lot of evidence coming out about gut bacteria and how it rules our brains. Suppose some people have weakness in their guts and sensitive to changes and the brain stomach are very interlinked. For anyone suffering its worth a go try probiotics (Optibac are good), digestive enzymes and any other magnesium type of supplement. Ive suffered from GAD anxiety and there is something def related in that and the stomach. Stress is bound to knock out stomach acid and acid levels need to be high. I have found relief from taking a mix of supplements including mastic gum, DCL, fish oils (high) etc. I'm hoping that will bring down all the issues with silent reflux, aches and pains etc. Which I am positive are all in the vicious circle. Obv you need to ensure you diet is also colourful and fresh as possible. Its worth looking into this kind of supplementation is your symptoms are long and floating about and hit you at random time.

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

On a positive note - this may help a few people. There is a lot of evidence coming out about gut bacteria and how it rules our brains. Suppose some people have weakness in their guts and sensitive to changes and the brain stomach are very interlinked. For anyone suffering its worth a go try probiotics (Optibac are good), digestive enzymes and any other magnesium type of supplement. Ive suffered from GAD anxiety and there is something def related in that and the stomach. Stress is bound to knock out stomach acid and acid levels need to be high. I have found relief from taking a mix of supplements including mastic gum, DCL, fish oils (high) etc. I'm hoping that will bring down all the issues with silent reflux, aches and pains etc. Which I am positive are all in the vicious circle. Obv you need to ensure you diet is also colourful and fresh as possible. Its worth looking into this kind of supplementation is your symptoms are long and floating about and hit you at random time.

Yes I remember my mother telling me that. Probiotics help the mental health by rebalancing the gut health. I often find if I am not eating them and my digestive system is up the creak in any way it effects how my brain functions.

 

[primmiemoo]

I always feel well after eating wild red salmon or fresh mackerel. Had a good munch of Spring greens in the form of hawthorn leaves the other day and felt it doing me good that morning. Going to make a hawthorn leaf omlet tomorrow to double the benefit (small warning: know your leaves, please., and don't go for anything purging )

There's an amusing book called "Gut" by a German Doktor Giulia Enders that talks about the link between mood and digestion. Her Ted Talk is sehr gut, too.

As to the weather ... aaaaaargh! It has been utterly miserable, and so easy to take personally. Had an Aesopian sun and wind and rain prank played on me another morning, too. Was wetter within my waterproofs than without as it turned out. It's less effort to laugh at an imaginary rain god than take it all to heart, however trite that might read to you at the moment, @dt995 .

Warm thoughts, and don't hold back on saying how you feel.

 

[Old Tip]

Your definitely right on the gut, brain, mood link @Chasingmytail, I think all the antibiotics I’ve had over the last nine months have destroyed my digestive system and left me exhausted and depressed. One of my neighbors gave me some magnesium tablets and she swears by them, she also advised me to do yoga which I have done in the past as it does help your whole body relax. The other thing which a lot of folk swear by is bone broth, all the vitamins and minerals you need plus a super food. Started eating natural yogurt at least once a day to help get my gut going, it’s definitely improved my appetite and I do seem to have a bit more energy so we will see how it goes

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Your definitely right on the gut, brain, mood link @Chasingmytail, I think all the antibiotics I’ve had over the last nine months have destroyed my digestive system and left me exhausted and depressed. One of my neighbors gave me some magnesium tablets and she swears by them, she also advised me to do yoga which I have done in the past as it does help your whole body relax. The other thing which a lot of folk swear by is bone broth, all the vitamins and minerals you need plus a super food. Started eating natural yogurt at least once a day to help get my gut going, it’s definitely improved my appetite and I do seem to have a bit more energy so we will see how it goes

That's brilliant keep it up.

 

[milkloss]

The oh went thorough some gut troubles and the only probiotic that will help with lower gut troubles is symprove. It has been shown that anything else encourages the stomach to produce acid that kills the very bacteria you are trying to colonise your gut with. Yakult and activia as examples are fatty or oily and hence cause acid production. Symprove on the other hand is water based and so in ten minutes it can slip through the stomach with no acid production. It didn’t help my oh but then it turned out she didn’t have SIBO anyway.

Hope that helps in some way.

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

The oh went thorough some gut troubles and the only probiotic that will help with lower gut troubles is symprove. It has been shown that anything else encourages the stomach to produce acid that kills the very bacteria you are trying to colonise your gut with. Yakult and activia as examples are fatty or oily and hence cause acid production. Symprove on the other hand is water based and so in ten minutes it can slip through the stomach with no acid production. It didn’t help my oh but then it turned out she didn’t have SIBO anyway.

Hope that helps in some way.

That does indeed thanks for that. Everyday a school day

 

[milkloss]

That does indeed thanks for that. Everyday a school day

I’m all for spreading what I can learn along the way. For me it’s what TFF is all about (and the odd rant, and the odd banter!)

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

I’m all for spreading what I can learn along the way. For me it’s what TFF is all about (and the odd rant, and the odd banter!)

Yes! You hit the nail right on the head there

 

[Chasingmytail]

I have struggled with brain fog and anxiety with stomach IBS nausea for years. Ive read and read. Silent reflux is a problem and many don't realise it. I started to get concerned I had Sjogrens but my symptoms are not bad enough (extreme dry eyes, sore nose) But never really sick and bloods always come back normal.
I have raw milk and mainly organic food yet the general issues haven't improved totally.
It feels like its ruining my day to day life so having read more;

I am trying a lower fibre diet. (I disagree we need all this fibre if we have issues and general healthy diet)
3000mg fish oils
Raw milk yogurt
HCL (digestive enzymes) I take with evening meal it helps digest protein
Mastic gum - lines stomach before bed
DCL Liquorice supplement (lots of people agree it helps with acid)
Tablespoon of flaxseed oil (AHA)
My next one to try NAG which is Acetyl D Glutamine (type of amino acid)

All of these should help with acid and in turn mood. I am going to continue my non-scientific experiment and report back after a while. If my mood has lifted then there is def something true.

 

[milkloss]

I have struggled with brain fog and anxiety with stomach IBS nausea for years. Ive read and read. Silent reflux is a problem and many don't realise it. I started to get concerned I had Sjogrens but my symptoms are not bad enough (extreme dry eyes, sore nose) But never really sick and bloods always come back normal.
I have raw milk and mainly organic food yet the general issues haven't improved totally.
It feels like its ruining my day to day life so having read more;

I am trying a lower fibre diet. (I disagree we need all this fibre if we have issues and general healthy diet)
3000mg fish oils
Raw milk yogurt
HCL (digestive enzymes) I take with evening meal it helps digest protein
Mastic gum - lines stomach before bed
DCL Liquorice supplement (lots of people agree it helps with acid)
Tablespoon of flaxseed oil (AHA)
My next one to try NAG which is Acetyl D Glutamine (type of amino acid)

All of these should help with acid and in turn mood. I am going to continue my non-scientific experiment and report back after a while. If my mood has lifted then there is def something true.

Interesting, the oh is also suffering from brain fog. Is on the highest dose of ppi and still getting reflux symptoms so it seems bile may actually be bile pushed up into the stomach and she is unable to differentiate between bile and acid. A hiatus hernia has been diagnosed as the possible cause (weight issues in her instance probably exacerbates this: cue more peering down noses). Tried gastroscopy twice but the second time she thumped a nurse whilst under sedation so gave up and can’t definitely diagnose any gastric issues. Also had brain scans to confirm no issue there.

We hadn’t considered the hcl but now on ppi which would take some serious weaning off of.

I feel for you, the OH has been through the wringer over her trouble as well but as I said elsewhere her bouts of acute pain stopped since taking progesterone and now just has the more tolerable (just) stomach issues.

 

[DRC]

The oh went thorough some gut troubles and the only probiotic that will help with lower gut troubles is symprove. It has been shown that anything else encourages the stomach to produce acid that kills the very bacteria you are trying to colonise your gut with. Yakult and activia as examples are fatty or oily and hence cause acid production. Symprove on the other hand is water based and so in ten minutes it can slip through the stomach with no acid production. It didn’t help my oh but then it turned out she didn’t have SIBO anyway.

Hope that helps in some way.

VSL3 is what my OH has to take. Not cheap but has the highest amount of good bacteria , 50 million I think, or Bio cult, which is cheaper .
The likes of Yakult etc are pretty much a waste of time and money

 

[Old Tip]

Wondered if you had made any progress @dt995

 

[dt995]

As the weather has improved so have I. Been to the see the GP and I have a recommended reading list for improving my thought processes.

I don't dare to look at the weather forecast though. Living in the moment at the moment.

 

[Chasingmytail]

VSL3 is what my OH has to take. Not cheap but has the highest amount of good bacteria , 50 million I think, or Bio cult, which is cheaper .
The likes of Yakult etc are pretty much a waste of time and money

I make my own yogurt from raw milk so assume that's enough bacteria. I would recommend a brand called Optibac if you want to improve bacteria. Take half a pack a day. Anything that contains sugar is useless. Trouble is supplements are expensive when taking a couple a day. Also what works for one doesn't work for others so it personal trail and error.