Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[DrWazzock]

The thing I struggle with most since my father went is decision making as well as the physical help to get jobs done.
I tend to overthink every decision now. It’s worse arguing with yourself than it was with him. Gradually getting there though. I remember he said it was the same when his father passed away. He suddenly couldn’t grade lambs for market even though he had been doing it for years. Grandfather hadn’t really interfered in the job but just gave that bit of reassurance or confidence. When you have nobody for a second opinion or to keep you grounded it’s easy to start floating off into your own warped sense off reality so to speak. That’s why society or community is important, I think. Keeps us grounded, just as every electronic system needs a good Earth reference point or mayhem ensues.

 

[Rossymons]

The thing I struggle with most since my father went is decision making as well as the physical help to get jobs done.
I tend to overthink every decision now. It’s worse arguing with yourself than it was with him. Gradually getting there though. I remember he said it was the same when his father passed away. He suddenly couldn’t grade lambs for market even though he had been doing it for years. Grandfather hadn’t really interfered in the job but just gave that bit of reassurance or confidence. When you have nobody for a second opinion or to keep you grounded it’s easy to start floating off into your own warped sense off reality so to speak. That’s why society or community is important, I think. Keeps us grounded, just as every electronic system needs a good Earth reference point or mayhem ensues.

I know the feeling. I over complicated way too many things shortly after Dad died. I look back now and scratch my head thinking "Why did I do that?"

A bit like what happens to a washing machine when you take the concrete weight away from it.

 

[Kiwi Pete]

I'm lucky to be playing a small in something that will genuinely change someone's life for the better.

Woodland planting days, wildflower identification, pond maintenance, "can we put an owl box over there, Ross?" its all very new and exciting.

That is about the only thing left for me to do, that really motivates me, that "help change someone's life for the better" thing

To me, being able to make lives better is the ultimate meaning of my life. Even if it's just something "little", it's still huge to someone.

 

[Kiwi Pete]

The thing I struggle with most since my father went is decision making as well as the physical help to get jobs done.
I tend to overthink every decision now. It’s worse arguing with yourself than it was with him. Gradually getting there though. I remember he said it was the same when his father passed away. He suddenly couldn’t grade lambs for market even though he had been doing it for years. Grandfather hadn’t really interfered in the job but just gave that bit of reassurance or confidence. When you have nobody for a second opinion or to keep you grounded it’s easy to start floating off into your own warped sense off reality so to speak. That’s why society or community is important, I think. Keeps us grounded, just as every electronic system needs a good Earth reference point or mayhem ensues.

I realised that alot of my character was based on my Dad. What you say here rings bells for me...
I had this "perfect gentleman hero role model" who seemed to navigate effortlessly through life, if he was female you'd call it "poise", and it always seemed to be my character trying to, but obviously failing to, measure up to that

this whole script was running my life, as a result I couldn't be calm and rational, I self-sabotaged alot of things just so I could hold him above myself and always have something to work towards

imagine my surprise when I saw the bankruptcy of trying to be someone I was 40 years too late to be

it's so absurd when I say it for what it is, and yet it was hidden from me, in plain sight, I never knew that it was my favourite way to torture myself, he was my favourite person after all!

It's actually your sharing, Dr, that actually opened my eyes to the fact that Dad probably had all the same battles going on that we all have going on, but I wasn't alive when he was sorting his life out.
Some of the ways you say things just smack me as similar to his ways of expression, and I can hear him again with a different filter on

Just thought I'd better acknowledge you for that while the iron's hot, so to speak

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Hey guys.
So I didn't think I would see myself back here in a long time, but here I am. Things haven't been great at all lately. The farm had to let me go from my job as they couldn't afford to "officially" employ me anymore. Being back on universal credit is an absolute drain, although they have been really good and helpful. I have been suffering rather a lot with anxiety. Mostly due to not being able to find anywhere to carry on the family business. We had an investor who basically just left us high and dry with empty promises, it feels like the story of our lives about now. I'm supposed to be seeing a farm with my father on Friday, hopefully it will be different. Its only since this last year I've actually started to appreciate what we have done with the business by letting it grow etc. The genetic value of the animals and such and now it feels like it's going to be ripped away from us in an instant. We have until the end of December before we sell up everything we own. It's weighing heavily on dad and mum and some days it's hard to even function let alone do anything that needs doing. I wish there was a clearer path, I wish property prices hadn't have skyrocketed and made it unfair on everyone else. I wish for so many things but in the end I have to humble myself and swallow everything down in acceptance. There is no use becoming angry over something that clearly isn't within our control. A part of me wants to scream at everyone for seemingly wasting my 25 years on this earth with broken promises, empty words and just leaving me out in the world to fend for myself. I have a job interview on Thursday, if I'm offered it I'm taking it. If nothing comes of the farms over the next few weeks I'm looking for rental properties to move into and accepting it. That's all I can do. Thanks for listening to my rant guys. Stay strong everyone and things will be OK soon

 

[Fake it ‘til you make it]

Hey guys.
So I didn't think I would see myself back here in a long time, but here I am. Things haven't been great at all lately. The farm had to let me go from my job as they couldn't afford to "officially" employ me anymore. Being back on universal credit is an absolute drain, although they have been really good and helpful. I have been suffering rather a lot with anxiety. Mostly due to not being able to find anywhere to carry on the family business. We had an investor who basically just left us high and dry with empty promises, it feels like the story of our lives about now. I'm supposed to be seeing a farm with my father on Friday, hopefully it will be different. Its only since this last year I've actually started to appreciate what we have done with the business by letting it grow etc. The genetic value of the animals and such and now it feels like it's going to be ripped away from us in an instant. We have until the end of December before we sell up everything we own. It's weighing heavily on dad and mum and some days it's hard to even function let alone do anything that needs doing. I wish there was a clearer path, I wish property prices hadn't have skyrocketed and made it unfair on everyone else. I wish for so many things but in the end I have to humble myself and swallow everything down in acceptance. There is no use becoming angry over something that clearly isn't within our control. A part of me wants to scream at everyone for seemingly wasting my 25 years on this earth with broken promises, empty words and just leaving me out in the world to fend for myself. I have a job interview on Thursday, if I'm offered it I'm taking it. If nothing comes of the farms over the next few weeks I'm looking for rental properties to move into and accepting it. That's all I can do. Thanks for listening to my rant guys. Stay strong everyone and things will be OK soon

Sounds like you are remaining very strong and pragmatic under very difficult circumstances. It’s a very tough situation you’re in but you sound like you have a good attitude

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Sounds like you are remaining very strong and pragmatic under very difficult circumstances. It’s a very tough situation you’re in but you sound like you have a good attitude

It's difficult, because every second of everyday I am having to rationalise everything out and the feelings that keep welling up inside. All the hurt and anger and that in itself is draining. Not allowing myself to feel the anger and hurt and seeming betrayal I feel continously. But I'm blocking it and it's helping. You gotta do what you gotta do thanks

 

[glasshouse]

It's difficult, because every second of everyday I am having to rationalise everything out and the feelings that keep welling up inside. All the hurt and anger and that in itself is draining. Not allowing myself to feel the anger and hurt and seeming betrayal I feel continously. But I'm blocking it and it's helping. You gotta do what you gotta do thanks

Is your tenancy being terminated,?
I know all about that.

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Is your tenancy being terminated,?
I know all about that.

Yep, it is. They told us they were selling, had it valued at twice the price of its worth and yeah...

 

[glasshouse]

Yep, it is. They told us they were selling, had it valued at twice the price of its worth and yeah...

Is it fbt

 

[Texel Tup]

My FiL had his tenancy terminated in 2019 ……. a set-in-stone Agricultural Tenancy …….. he'd signed a joint tenancy with his own father and the Landowner in the mid 1960s, and in the question of succession, he was the first. My partner would have been the second.

The farm was only small, a mere 40 acres, and whilst the Act clearly stipulates that the tenant (to succeed) must earn their living from agriculture, the Courts take the view that the tenant must earn the major part of their living from the land in question …….. but that is not what the Act says. The fact that my partner's living was earned from the 40 acres in question AND another 800 acres of rented grazing, wasn't permitted as an argument.

I had run the small farm and my own small enterprise as one unit and when I suggested to the agent employed by the owners, that they may care to offer some sort of conversation for the £60,000 of my own money that I'd evidentially invested, he laughed at me.

Inherited Agricultural tenancies are NOT set in stone, and they no longer enjoy the protection of Law.

 

[Bury the Trash]

My FiL had his tenancy terminated in 2019 ……. a set-in-stone Agricultural Tenancy …….. he'd signed a joint tenancy with his own father and the Landowner in the mid 1960s, and in the question of succession, he was the first. My partner would have been the second.

The farm was only small, a mere 40 acres, and whilst the Act clearly stipulates that the tenant (to succeed) must earn their living from agriculture, the Courts take the view that the tenant must earn the major part of their living from the land in question …….. but that is not what the Act says. The fact that my partner's living was earned from the 40 acres in question AND another 800 acres of rented grazing, wasn't permitted as an argument.

I had run the small farm and my own small enterprise as one unit and when I suggested to the agent employed by the owners, that they may care to offer some sort of conversation for the £60,000 of my own money that I'd evidentially invested, he laughed at me.

Inherited Agricultural tenancies are NOT set in stone, and they no longer enjoy the protection of Law.

i know of an experience similar to that as well, would be interesting to read @glasshouse reply.

 

[deleted user 837354]

Reading all of the above sort of puts anyone else's stuff in perspective. I've never had my own dog in the race so to speak so it is hard to truly understand the loss one can feel when a farm is sold or you are obliged to move on from it. I must say, however, that of all the people I know who have 'come out of it' they all seem to have grasped other opportunities and I'm yet to meet anyone who regrets the move. I guess with the industry at large so desperate for people you are bound to find a niche somewhere.

In recent days or weeks my own predicament seems to have improved, or rather my interest and belief in what I have done have but I still get days where it really really wanes and I know that I am far from alone in this. Still, I'm doing the work and trudging on with it. That said, I am still very much looking at back up options. I still think I will always need a role where I am out doing something with the knowledge and skills I have built up, so I'm still keeping my options open about the future in reality.

 

[glasshouse]

i know of an experience similar to that as well, would be interesting to read @glasshouse reply.

Sadly the law in england is rather worse than in Scotland.
We have no limit to successions, and you dont have to earn your whole living off a small farm, but you have to join the tfa and get a good lawyer, as there is no limit to the lies agents will tell when they see a chance to evict an aha tenant.
Thanks to hard campaigning we now have a tenant farming commisioner to intervene in dodgy cases.
I helped a 40ac tenant stay put after her father forgot to pay the rent.
She eventually phoned the commisioner and one phonecall sorted it

 

[Texel Tup]

Sadly the law in england is rather worse than in Scotland.
We have no limit to successions, and you dont have to earn your whole living off a small farm, but you have to join the tfa and get a good lawyer, as there is no limit to the lies agents will tell when they see a chance to evict an aha tenant.
Thanks to hard campaigning we now have a tenant farming commisioner to intervene in dodgy cases.
I helped a 40ac tenant stay put after her father forgot to pay the rent.
She eventually phoned the commisioner and one phonecall sorted it

The system, at least here and South of the Border, needs advocates such as you.

Well Said and equally, Well Done.

 

[Texel Tup]

@glasshouse ~ if ever Tenant Farmers needed The Tennant Farmer's Association, it's now.

 

[Texel Tup]

Hey guys.
So I didn't think I would see myself back here in a long time, but here I am. Things haven't been great at all lately. The farm had to let me go from my job as they couldn't afford to "officially" employ me anymore. Being back on universal credit is an absolute drain, although they have been really good and helpful. I have been suffering rather a lot with anxiety. Mostly due to not being able to find anywhere to carry on the family business. We had an investor who basically just left us high and dry with empty promises, it feels like the story of our lives about now. I'm supposed to be seeing a farm with my father on Friday, hopefully it will be different. Its only since this last year I've actually started to appreciate what we have done with the business by letting it grow etc. The genetic value of the animals and such and now it feels like it's going to be ripped away from us in an instant. We have until the end of December before we sell up everything we own. It's weighing heavily on dad and mum and some days it's hard to even function let alone do anything that needs doing. I wish there was a clearer path, I wish property prices hadn't have skyrocketed and made it unfair on everyone else. I wish for so many things but in the end I have to humble myself and swallow everything down in acceptance. There is no use becoming angry over something that clearly isn't within our control. A part of me wants to scream at everyone for seemingly wasting my 25 years on this earth with broken promises, empty words and just leaving me out in the world to fend for myself. I have a job interview on Thursday, if I'm offered it I'm taking it. If nothing comes of the farms over the next few weeks I'm looking for rental properties to move into and accepting it. That's all I can do. Thanks for listening to my rant guys. Stay strong everyone and things will be OK soon

I'd intended highlighting just the salient points of your post, but every point raised is of importance. I tend to dip in to here and then shove off for a week or two, and though I remember some of your posts, I haven't exactly followed you ……..

There are two major aspects to your situation which are worthy of note; I suspect that I'm probably 50 years older than you, and though we might like to think that with age, comes wisdom, I assure you that isn't always the case! Despite my advanced years, when I'm in a corner, and those who oppose me keep pushing, I don't always behave too well …….. mostly those who know me well enough generally know when to back off …….. I think that your level of pragmatism and acceptance, is remarkable, and that's from any age or supposed life-skills bracket!

Isn't there a line somewhere which says something like ~ 'God give me the grace to accept what I can't change, and the courage to change what I can ……..' - it's something like that, and you are currently doing very well.

The second point is, and considering the theme of pragmatism and simple common sense; if you and your family are likely to lose what you've all strived so hard to build and maintain, then the most important aspect now, is damage limitation. If you have livestock to sell, then the time to maximise on the value of the asset is not at the last minute, it's now. Maximising any assets now will provide an improved platform for the re-start.

Are you and your family able to pick up the reins of progress now? Arecyou able, no matter how difficult it will be, to now look to the future with at least an embryo of a plan? Last year, whilst in the depths of despair someone who I was talking to over the airwaves, told me of a job; it was residential, it was running and managing a small holiday complex and a leg country house, cutting the lawns, tending to the resident ponies and as there was land attached, could I manage a small flock of sheep? …….. is a pig's arse made of pork? OF COURSE I could manage it …….. I was getting up at 06:00 and ready for the day as soon as my feet hit the floor. I was filled to overflowing with hope. We can have Faith and we can have Charity, but without Hope, we're lost.

The guy who owned the complex upped and died ~ the thoughtless bugger . It came to nothing, but it was a turning point, Hope returned and I pray that it does for you too. You're quite clearly standing on you back feet ~ what happens today won't matter in 5 years ……..

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

I'd intended highlighting just the salient points of your post, but every point raised is of importance. I tend to dip in to here and then shove off for a week or two, and though I remember some of your posts, I haven't exactly followed you ……..

There are two major aspects to your situation which are worthy of note; I suspect that I'm probably 50 years older than you, and though we might like to think that with age, comes wisdom, I assure you that isn't always the case! Despite my advanced years, when I'm in a corner, and those who oppose me keep pushing, I don't always behave too well …….. mostly those who know me well enough generally know when to back off …….. I think that your level of pragmatism and acceptance, is remarkable, and that's from any age or supposed life-skills bracket!

Isn't there a line somewhere which says something like ~ 'God give me the grace to accept what I can't change, and the courage to change what I can ……..' - it's something like that, and you are currently doing very well.

The second point is, and considering the theme of pragmatism and simple common sense; if you and your family are likely to lose what you've all strived so hard to build and maintain, then the most important aspect now, is damage limitation. If you have livestock to sell, then the time to maximise on the value of the asset is not at the last minute, it's now. Maximising any assets now will provide an improved platform for the re-start.

Are you and your family able to pick up the reins of progress now? Arecyou able, no matter how difficult it will be, to now look to the future with at least an embryo of a plan? Last year, whilst in the depths of despair someone who I was talking to over the airwaves, told me of a job; it was residential, it was running and managing a small holiday complex and a leg country house, cutting the lawns, tending to the resident ponies and as there was land attached, could I manage a small flock of sheep? …….. is a pig's arse made of pork? OF COURSE I could manage it …….. I was getting up at 06:00 and ready for the day as soon as my feet hit the floor. I was filled to overflowing with hope. We can have Faith and we can have Charity, but without Hope, we're lost.

The guy who owned the complex upped and died ~ the thoughtless bugger . It came to nothing, but it was a turning point, Hope returned and I pray that it does for you too. You're quite clearly standing on you back feet ~ what happens today won't matter in 5 years ……..

We are giving it 5 weeks before selling up. Technically we have until March 2022, but parents said 5 weeks and if nothing has happened by then, then that's it. My plan is, if it doesn't succeed then I'm done, I am going to get my own career and business in something else. It's a dream I have been putting off for a long while, but we shall see

 

[Christoph1945]

We are giving it 5 weeks before selling up. Technically we have until March 2022, but parents said 5 weeks and if nothing has happened by then, then that's it. My plan is, if it doesn't succeed then I'm done, I am going to get my own career and business in something else. It's a dream I have been putting off for a long while, but we shall see

What is the job that you are applying for Buffy and what does it entail?

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

What is the job that you are applying for Buffy and what does it entail?

Fast food job atm. About to go into interview now. I do want ideally to work in the bakery/pastry sector tho, to help enable me to start my own business in the future