Nearly
Member
- Location
- North of York
I was fine until people started being nice.
-
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Preparing for end of life - practical matters
- Thread starter Jerry
- Start date
- Location
- Near Beeston Castle
I don't know if it is a male thing or a farming thing but the practical aspect is almost a simplicity compared to having to deal with the emotional side.
Practical things I can deal with, emotions are very difficult.
Practical things I can deal with, emotions are very difficult.
dudders
Member
- Location
- East Sussex
Very similar to the way my father went, 10 years ago this month. Diagnosed in April, so it didn't take long once it had got going. And it was only weeks before he was beyond conversation. Proper stiff upper lip about it he was - even as they told him (aged 87) that they wouldn't do anything to try to cure it, and fair enough too. Guess that was the last lesson he taught me.
But he did say that his only worry was for my mother, and I reassured him on that. I think he was reassured, but you don't know.
This is the important point: your mother will need a huge amount of love and support for the whole of the rest of her life, not just for a while. As they say, you only regret the things you didn't do, rather than those you did. Now that it's too late, I kick myself for not giving more time and love to my mother in the 10 years of widowhood before she died, even though I found a place for her here, looked after her, took over the cooking etc when it became too much. It's too easy to adjust to the new situation and let work and commitments get in the way of actually taking the time to chat with her and be fully supportive and loving. I was always in a rush - pop in, quick meal and out again. And I wasn't properly patient with her when she started on her own downhill slide. If you let all this happen, I can tell you it'll haunt you for the rest of your life.
I don't have a problem with the quick passing, whether it's illness or accident. If you've lived into your eighties, then you're lucky and quick is the way to go, rather than years of pain and dementia. As for needing the time to be able to say how much you love somebody before they go - that's something that should be a part of your relationship all the time anyway. Doesn't matter if it's your parent, partner or kids, be confident that if they're suddenly whisked away from you, you won't need to regret anything.
But he did say that his only worry was for my mother, and I reassured him on that. I think he was reassured, but you don't know.
This is the important point: your mother will need a huge amount of love and support for the whole of the rest of her life, not just for a while. As they say, you only regret the things you didn't do, rather than those you did. Now that it's too late, I kick myself for not giving more time and love to my mother in the 10 years of widowhood before she died, even though I found a place for her here, looked after her, took over the cooking etc when it became too much. It's too easy to adjust to the new situation and let work and commitments get in the way of actually taking the time to chat with her and be fully supportive and loving. I was always in a rush - pop in, quick meal and out again. And I wasn't properly patient with her when she started on her own downhill slide. If you let all this happen, I can tell you it'll haunt you for the rest of your life.
I don't have a problem with the quick passing, whether it's illness or accident. If you've lived into your eighties, then you're lucky and quick is the way to go, rather than years of pain and dementia. As for needing the time to be able to say how much you love somebody before they go - that's something that should be a part of your relationship all the time anyway. Doesn't matter if it's your parent, partner or kids, be confident that if they're suddenly whisked away from you, you won't need to regret anything.
This is really important re Partnerships (as a few others have mentioned) ...
unless it is SPECIFICALLY written in a legally binding document, on the death of any partner, partnership immediately ceases to exist as such and bank accounts etc are frozen so bills and income cannot be paid until it is all unravelled which can be months. It would be as well to make an urgent appointment with your bank to discuss your options
On another matter, there is a website called "Tell Us Once" (dot gov - so all above board) that informs all necessary organisations on your behalf when someone dies.
Info here
https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once
unless it is SPECIFICALLY written in a legally binding document, on the death of any partner, partnership immediately ceases to exist as such and bank accounts etc are frozen so bills and income cannot be paid until it is all unravelled which can be months. It would be as well to make an urgent appointment with your bank to discuss your options
On another matter, there is a website called "Tell Us Once" (dot gov - so all above board) that informs all necessary organisations on your behalf when someone dies.
Info here
https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once
Just to update this thread as I know a few have pm'd and emailed recently.
Dad passed away mid morning today, peacefully at home and not in any real pain I hope though impossible to know for certain as the last week or so he was not with it at all.
NHS simply amazing! Very supportive and worked to keep him at home till the end.
Marie Curie and the local independent care team, cant fault them.
Im now more scared in some ways, been a horrid day, but also positives to take from it. Some wonderful thoughts and conversations been had as I have spoken to friends and families. Bringing up memories I had long forgotten, or stories I had never heard.
The mantel now falls on me to continue the farm and business, main priority is to make sure Mum is safe/secure/safe/provided for.
The farm is always going to be Dad's, its not mine, can never think it will be even if legally I own a share. Its his and always will be. I just have to look after it, grow it, secure it for the next generation.
Here's your farm Dad....hope I make a half decent job of it like you did..
Dad passed away mid morning today, peacefully at home and not in any real pain I hope though impossible to know for certain as the last week or so he was not with it at all.
NHS simply amazing! Very supportive and worked to keep him at home till the end.
Marie Curie and the local independent care team, cant fault them.
Im now more scared in some ways, been a horrid day, but also positives to take from it. Some wonderful thoughts and conversations been had as I have spoken to friends and families. Bringing up memories I had long forgotten, or stories I had never heard.
The mantel now falls on me to continue the farm and business, main priority is to make sure Mum is safe/secure/safe/provided for.
The farm is always going to be Dad's, its not mine, can never think it will be even if legally I own a share. Its his and always will be. I just have to look after it, grow it, secure it for the next generation.
Here's your farm Dad....hope I make a half decent job of it like you did..
So very sorry to hear that, @Jerry 
Glad for you all that his passing was peaceful.
Have been thinking about you and will continue to do so.
Any of us are only stewards of land. The land will be there long after we aren't. The rocks on the bog here haven't moved in the last 10,000 years and are unlikely to move in the near future.
Your Dad is proud of you, full stop.
Take care of yourselves.
Glad for you all that his passing was peaceful.
Have been thinking about you and will continue to do so.
Any of us are only stewards of land. The land will be there long after we aren't. The rocks on the bog here haven't moved in the last 10,000 years and are unlikely to move in the near future.
Your Dad is proud of you, full stop.
Take care of yourselves.
- Location
- Near Beeston Castle
Sorry for your loss Jerry.
As for the farm, treat it as your own and it will work out as it should. Best of luck to you.
As for the farm, treat it as your own and it will work out as it should. Best of luck to you.
DeeGee
Member
- Location
- North East Wales
Just to update this thread as I know a few have pm'd and emailed recently.
Dad passed away mid morning today, peacefully at home and not in any real pain I hope though impossible to know for certain as the last week or so he was not with it at all.
NHS simply amazing! Very supportive and worked to keep him at home till the end.
Marie Curie and the local independent care team, cant fault them.
Im now more scared in some ways, been a horrid day, but also positives to take from it. Some wonderful thoughts and conversations been had as I have spoken to friends and families. Bringing up memories I had long forgotten, or stories I had never heard.
The mantel now falls on me to continue the farm and business, main priority is to make sure Mum is safe/secure/safe/provided for.
The farm is always going to be Dad's, its not mine, can never think it will be even if legally I own a share. Its his and always will be. I just have to look after it, grow it, secure it for the next generation.
Here's your farm Dad....hope I make a half decent job of it like you did..
Just picked up again on this. Very sorry to hear your news.
No matter if things are perhaps expected it still comes as a massive shock.
I'm sure you will do your father proud.
I lost my own father unexpectedly thirty years ago at 67; just dropped dead of a heart attack when I was thirty. We also lost our son tragically four years ago when he was just 25 and I 57.
But you carry on, even though it is incredibly difficult at times you will pull through, and for all the grief and turmoil and the doubt you may go through, you will emerge as a stronger person.
solo
Member
- Location
- worcestershire
Sorry to hear your news Jerry.
There will be lots going on for you over the next few weeks both personally and on the farm. You will feel sad but at the same time you have to be grateful for the time you have had together. There are plenty who have not been so fortunate. Your wife will be your best support I'm sure, as friends tend to keep their distance.
Kind Regards
Solo
There will be lots going on for you over the next few weeks both personally and on the farm. You will feel sad but at the same time you have to be grateful for the time you have had together. There are plenty who have not been so fortunate. Your wife will be your best support I'm sure, as friends tend to keep their distance.
Kind Regards
Solo
- Location
- Devon
Been thinking of you Jerry, and continue to do so.
As before - give us a call if we can do anything.
As before - give us a call if we can do anything.
Pilgrimmick
Member
- Location
- Argyll
Sorry for your loss. All you can do now is be yourself, you (and any siblings) were your fathers greatest achievement, not the farm. I'm sure your mother thinks the same. The best tribute you can pay your father is just be the person he would be proud of.
My mother, who I lost three years ago, tought me so very much. Most of it I did not appreciate until after she was gone.
My mother, who I lost three years ago, tought me so very much. Most of it I did not appreciate until after she was gone.
- Location
- South Molton
Condolences to you and your family Jerry.
Having been through my Mum having cancer for 3 months seemed funny that I'd done most of my grieving by the time she passed away.
Having been through my Mum having cancer for 3 months seemed funny that I'd done most of my grieving by the time she passed away.
GenuineRisk
Member
- Location
- Somerset
My sympathies to you all. When in my thirties, my father, who had had cancer kept at bay for 15 years, knew the end was coming and on my daily visit back home (I was luckily only minutes away), patted the bed, sat me down and proceeded to tell me where all the books were (he was an accountant - it was all immaculately ordered), how his will was engineered (all going to my mother), told me all would be well and he was proud of me (I wasn't farming at that point - not quite sure what he'd make of my life now!!) and died quietly a couple of days later. Looking back, although totally devastated at the time, I realize how lucky I was to have had that conversation, always treasured. My mother died five years later, very suddenly, unexpectedly and how different was that.
My hope for you all is that you too will be able to look back and be happy you had that oh so special time with him. Obviously, he had a life well lived with children like yourself as proof of that.
My hope for you all is that you too will be able to look back and be happy you had that oh so special time with him. Obviously, he had a life well lived with children like yourself as proof of that.
newbie
Member
- Location
- Lancashire
So sorry to hear of your loss.
There's nothing I can add on the practical side but please try to allow yourself time to grieve. It affects all of us in different ways but pent up emotions can cause so many problems. It's absolutely fine to let it all out and have a good cry. In fact it's a good thing.
We're all here if you need to voice anything x
There's nothing I can add on the practical side but please try to allow yourself time to grieve. It affects all of us in different ways but pent up emotions can cause so many problems. It's absolutely fine to let it all out and have a good cry. In fact it's a good thing.
We're all here if you need to voice anything x
- Location
- N W Snowdonia
After seeing the difficulties a stroke caused in another family business, OH and I have registered reciprocal powers of attorney for ourselves with the little one included as a second attorney.
suffolksmallholder
Member
- Location
- Suffolk
I'm in the throws of Power of Attorney right now. Dot all I's & cross all T's.
When my FIL died we were advised to get 'some' death certificates, I think we had twelve & soon ran out. OK this day will come & it's not nice thinking about it but translate the 'some' into more than twenty. They are needed at every turn, thirty may be a more realistic number & if there's business & partnerships involved possibly more. These are free the first time but very costly when you run out. Copies are not accepted.
Sorry about your situation.
SS
When my FIL died we were advised to get 'some' death certificates, I think we had twelve & soon ran out. OK this day will come & it's not nice thinking about it but translate the 'some' into more than twenty. They are needed at every turn, thirty may be a more realistic number & if there's business & partnerships involved possibly more. These are free the first time but very costly when you run out. Copies are not accepted.
Sorry about your situation.
SS
SRRC
Member
- Location
- West Somerset
It depends on your bank's attitude. In my case Nat West decided that following the death of my mother (who was a partner) the partnership didn't exist anymore, therefore a new account would need to be created. Nothing to do with signatures etc as irrelevant anyway with online banking.
Faced with the considerable admin task of dealing with the hassle of a new account number I resisted. Some 9 months later a new "relationship manager", faced with the end of a relationship, backed down.
So, be wary of this.