You have two cows

[soapsud]

Here's an oldie:

You have two cows - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

• Socialism: If you have two cows, the Government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
• Communism: If you have two cows, Government takes both and then gives you some milk.
• Fascism: If you have two cows, you keep the cows and give the milk to the Government; then the government sells you some milk.
• New Dealism: If you have two cows, you shoot one and milk the other; then you pour the milk down the drain.
• Nazism: If you have two cows, the Government shoots you and keeps the cows.
• Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.
• 
  

• Enronism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.[6]

  
  The ending of the joke varies in most interactions. The magazine Wired in 2008 ended the joke with Enron selling one cow to buy a new president of the United States, that no balance sheet was provided with the annual report, and ultimately the public buying Enron's bull.[7] In 2002, Power Engineering ended the joke by announcing Enron would start trading cows online using the platform COW (cows on web).[8]

 

[soapsud]

Tory-Hyper-liberalism:
You have two cows. The Government accuse you of causing global warming by keeping methane producing animals so what do they do?
They increase taxes on input costs, privilege arable subsidies over the livestock sector, invite corporations to invest in green policies to drive up the price of grazing land whilst discouraging the population from drinking tea and having milk on their cereal and consuming other diary products....

[TBC]

 

[Swarfmonkey]

Needs an addition...

Eco-communism: If you have two cows, Government shoots both due to *yawn* "carbon emissions". You then starve.

 

[Levelsman]

Needs an addition...

Eco-communism: If you have two cows, Government shoots both due to *yawn* "carbon emissions". You then starve.

....and they 'take' the land 'cos you don't need it and plant trees on it.

 

[soapsud]

Tory food policy:
If you have two cows, then the government forces you to export them, collects the carbon tax, imports their milk products at great transport cost but charges a dairy tariff. And finally charges you more for the milk than it would ever have cost you if you'd just kept them at home.

 

[tractorsandcows]

Transgenderism
You have 2 cows Both self identify as bulls

 

[Ashtree]

You have two cows. Life is easy. Costs are low. What little produce you sell, is very profitable. You work a nice off farm job to look after your family, have holidays and a nice fresh used car.
Your neighbour has 200 cows, lots of shiney kit, a new car. You say to yourself, he’s really made it.
So you rent ground, buy 198 cows, so you have 200 like your neighbour. Your workload expands so you give up the off farm job. You have no time for holidays. You can no longer afford to change your nice used car, so you run it into the ground. Your life is gone to sh!t. Wife leaves you, so you have to sell the whole herd to pay her off, including your original two profitable cows. Bank not satisfied, so they send the sheriff to take away your battered old car. You now ride a bicycle to the dole office…

 

[caveman]

Transgenderism
You have 2 cows Both self identify as bulls

You have two transgender cows.
Both have been castrated.
No good for anything, you kill them and eat them.

 

[HatsOff]

Enronism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.[6]

Disaster capitalism: just the same as Enronism but before you start you sell the fence and gate and let the cows escape.

 

[Jam Tomorrow]

Transgenderism
You have 2 cows Both self identify as bulls

You have two cows
One wants to be a bull and sire a calf
The other wants to have a calf by AI using gender neutral sperm
The NHS pays for it
They all live in Bournemouth.

 

[robs1]

Reliefism
You have two cows
You divorce one
The other is no longer your mother in law
You end up with half the farm but are happy

 

[soapsud]

Reliefism
You have two cows
You divorce one
The other is no longer your mother in law
You end up with half the farm but are happy

I'd try a milf joke with this but it's a little too close to my boss and her chief!