Family issues....keep the peace?

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
A member of our family has historic 'issues', as a way of keeping them happy we (the wider family) have all allowed them to live in a fairly sheltered / fantasy bubble (I include all the farm workers in this, who, and full praise to them, have all helped by ignoring rudeness, and nonsense to keep said individual 'happy'). We've managed this for a long time, ie many, many years, however it's becoming tiresome and there's now more generations involved who don't have to put up with it (and why should they)?

Question is, how would any of you go about addressing this?

It's always been the elephant in the room, and the 'sheltered' one is absolutely deluded about their own importance and seems oblivious to the fact we've all been 'playing along' for years.....ie an adult 'spoilt child'.

If I don't address the issue I feel I'm as bad as previous generations (who have apologised to me for the madness we've all endured and the impact it's had), but I don't want to cause 'an episode' with the one we've been protecting? Catch 22.

This is a monster we have created (not me, wheels were in motion before i was born, I've just played along to keep the harmony) but the 'monster' is now creating untold problems family wide and I'm really struggling not to shut the whole thing down by stating the facts (there's no grey area here, 'issues are 100% nailed on and beyond belief). Why do 'we' still have to sit and suffer whilst the one in the 'wrong' gets a free pass incase they get upset? Equally, I don't want to be cruel and upset this person if I can help it?

If I blurt out everything it could cause major upset as I know and have been told things (all true BTW, I don't mean gossip) that haven't been discussed with certain people for years, if ever, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

How would any of you deal with this?

Any help much appreciated. Very tricky time and I'm going round in circles.
 
A member of our family has historic 'issues', as a way of keeping them happy we (the wider family) have all allowed them to live in a fairly sheltered / fantasy bubble (I include all the farm workers in this, who, and full praise to them, have all helped by ignoring rudeness, and nonsense to keep said individual 'happy'). We've managed this for a long time, ie many, many years, however it's becoming tiresome and there's now more generations involved who don't have to put up with it (and why should they)?

Question is, how would any of you go about addressing this?

It's always been the elephant in the room, and the 'sheltered' one is absolutely deluded about their own importance and seems oblivious to the fact we've all been 'playing along' for years.....ie an adult 'spoilt child'.

If I don't address the issue I feel I'm as bad as previous generations (who have apologised to me for the madness we've all endured and the impact it's had), but I don't want to cause 'an episode' with the one we've been protecting? Catch 22.

This is a monster we have created (not me, wheels were in motion before i was born, I've just played along to keep the harmony) but the 'monster' is now creating untold problems family wide and I'm really struggling not to shut the whole thing down by stating the facts (there's no grey area here, 'issues are 100% nailed on and beyond belief). Why do 'we' still have to sit and suffer whilst the one in the 'wrong' gets a free pass incase they get upset? Equally, I don't want to be cruel and upset this person if I can help it?

If I blurt out everything it could cause major upset as I know and have been told things (all true BTW, I don't mean gossip) that haven't been discussed with certain people for years, if ever, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

How would any of you deal with this?

Any help much appreciated. Very tricky time and I'm going round in circles.

Full blown family meeting? If you are unhappy with the present situation and decide to confront it now, what is the worst that could happen?

Someone being disrespectful of staff or other visitors is lucky they haven't had a smack in the mouth or something else already.
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
Get individual to doctors for an age related MOT.
Have a word with doc first regarding dementia checks etc?

How about all that generation signing power of attorney documents?

It's either that or let them jump under the loadall wheel? :(
It's not dementia, there are issues which weren't addressed decades ago which have been left to fester as the individual has been mollycoddled through life....and they play on it thinking they'll get their own way.
 

Mc115reed

Member
It's not dementia, there are issues which weren't addressed decades ago which have been left to fester as the individual has been mollycoddled through life....and they play on it thinking they'll get their own way.
Question is…. Is it there way or the highway or not??? Ie are they the sole charge of the farm? Because unfortunately if they are there isn’t much you can do because they haven’t anything too loose apart from you as a family….
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
Full blown family meeting? If you are unhappy with the present situation and decide to confront it now, what is the worst that could happen?

Someone being disrespectful of staff or other visitors is lucky they haven't had a smack in the mouth or something else already.
The worst that will happen is said individual will have a breakdown as they are confronted with what 'nobody talks about'. They are very lucky not to have been battered many times, we still have these deluded episodes now where they stand there spouting their drivel as they've had a lifetime of being 'bulletproof' (albeit barely having left the safety blanket of the walls of the farm for over 60 years). I can't run a business or put up with it, but being the one who finally causes the 'breakdown' is a big weight to bear. However, it has been said to me numerous times, "It was always going to be you who have to sort this out". I've always known it too. Doesn't help much.

Sadly, the individual, seems to be unaware or chooses to be unaware that they've been the village clown for 30 years.....EVERYONE knows and talks / laughs about them, always have. I've rightly or wrongly helped keep the peace and shield them, but enough is enough. It's pathetic really. At times I'd like nothing more than to wipe the arrogant smirk off their face, it's other family members I worry about, they plainly don't know all of the history. I just end up going round and round.

Just FYI it has almost ruined our family business many, many times too.
 
Last edited:

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
Question is…. Is it there way or the highway or not??? Ie are they the sole charge of the farm? Because unfortunately if they are there isn’t much you can do because they haven’t anything too loose apart from you as a family….
Fortunately not, despite thinking they're in charge we've pretty much marginalised them, all their 'lines in the sand (which change daily according to what they make up) have been obliterated, It's just the last few little bits (which are still VERY trying) and their constant rudeness, arrogance, overstepping boundaries....which is finally needing dealt with.

I've tried everything bar bringing up 'the obvious'.....

Thanks for all the advice so far, I think I know it's going to have to be dealt with, just reassuring to hear it.

On one hand I feel quite proud I've got this far without 'breaking' or battering them, and I've lost count of the times I've said to the men on the farm 'let them disappear on their tractor then ignore everything they said to you'. It's pathetic really, but said individual just reappears the next day, strutting round like a hero.'
 

Mc115reed

Member
Fortunately not, despite thinking they're in charge we've pretty much marginalised them, all their 'lines in the sand (which change daily according to what they make up) have been obliterated, It's just the last few little bits (which are still VERY trying) and their constant rudeness, arrogance, overstepping boundaries....which is finally needing dealt with.

I've tried everything bar bringing up 'the obvious'.....

Thanks for all the advice so far, I think I know it's going to have to be dealt with, just reassuring to hear it.

On one hand I feel quite proud I've got this far without 'breaking' or battering them, and I've lost count of the times I've said to the men on the farm 'let them disappear on their tractor then ignore everything they said to you'. It's pathetic really, but said individual just reappears the next day, strutting round like a hero.'
If youv nothing too loose now as you say, personally I think you need get him over when nobody is home, non these big family meetings because he’ll fell like your trying to embarrass him, pour a cup of tea each and put everything out on the table, it sounds to me like he’s a very old man going off the years Youv mentioned and if he were too die with that kind of bitterness and resentment on going I think that’s pretty sad really
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
One to one chat where nobody can storm off and some home truths , point out your doing it one to one for their benefit .
In any other situation I would agree with you but I think he'd go crackers on the spot and I worry what harm he may do to himself. I appreciate the advice, it drums home to me how ludicrous this situation actually is
 
Fortunately not, despite thinking they're in charge we've pretty much marginalised them, all their 'lines in the sand (which change daily according to what they make up) have been obliterated, It's just the last few little bits (which are still VERY trying) and their constant rudeness, arrogance, overstepping boundaries....which is finally needing dealt with.

I've tried everything bar bringing up 'the obvious'.....

Thanks for all the advice so far, I think I know it's going to have to be dealt with, just reassuring to hear it.

On one hand I feel quite proud I've got this far without 'breaking' or battering them, and I've lost count of the times I've said to the men on the farm 'let them disappear on their tractor then ignore everything they said to you'. It's pathetic really, but said individual just reappears the next day, strutting round like a hero.'
I think you need a family therapist, and everyone goes, because one person can "carry" all the bad bits for the whole of the family.
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
If youv nothing too loose now as you say, personally I think you need get him over when nobody is home, non these big family meetings because he’ll fell like your trying to embarrass him, pour a cup of tea each and put everything out on the table, it sounds to me like he’s a very old man going off the years Youv mentioned and if he were too die with that kind of bitterness and resentment on going I think that’s pretty sad really
OId enough but not that old....still many years of this left.

I agree, this is very sad, I feel sorry for him, which is the real issue i suppose, but by not addressing it I'm just fueling his delusion....and driving myself round the bend, watching the situation get worse.

Locals ring me for a chat to laugh about him and say 'you deserve a medal' etc....it's that bad.

i really must get it sorted.

Thanks for helping.
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
I think you need a family therapist, and everyone goes, because one person can "carry" all the bad bits for the whole of the family.
I'm grown up now, but since my 20s I've sorted a lot of '5hit' in the background to keep the peace, most to do with this issue, I know why the situation has happened (it was with good intentions but panned out horribly, I know why certain family members have had to 'carry on' (emotional baggage etc) but I've dealt with an increasing amount of rubbish and i'm sick. We've nearly lost the lot due directly to this situation, I had to leave for a few years, directly due to this situation, I'm now in the End Game trying to sort it without hurting anyone....impossible.

A therapist would lock him up, Seriously. Particularly if i told them what I know.

You're all sensible people pointing out the obvious to me. Much appreciated.
 

roscoe erf

Member
Livestock Farmer
A member of our family has historic 'issues', as a way of keeping them happy we (the wider family) have all allowed them to live in a fairly sheltered / fantasy bubble (I include all the farm workers in this, who, and full praise to them, have all helped by ignoring rudeness, and nonsense to keep said individual 'happy'). We've managed this for a long time, ie many, many years, however it's becoming tiresome and there's now more generations involved who don't have to put up with it (and why should they)?

Question is, how would any of you go about addressing this?

It's always been the elephant in the room, and the 'sheltered' one is absolutely deluded about their own importance and seems oblivious to the fact we've all been 'playing along' for years.....ie an adult 'spoilt child'.

If I don't address the issue I feel I'm as bad as previous generations (who have apologised to me for the madness we've all endured and the impact it's had), but I don't want to cause 'an episode' with the one we've been protecting? Catch 22.

This is a monster we have created (not me, wheels were in motion before i was born, I've just played along to keep the harmony) but the 'monster' is now creating untold problems family wide and I'm really struggling not to shut the whole thing down by stating the facts (there's no grey area here, 'issues are 100% nailed on and beyond belief). Why do 'we' still have to sit and suffer whilst the one in the 'wrong' gets a free pass incase they get upset? Equally, I don't want to be cruel and upset this person if I can help it?

If I blurt out everything it could cause major upset as I know and have been told things (all true BTW, I don't mean gossip) that haven't been discussed with certain people for years, if ever, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

How would any of you deal with this?

Any help much appreciated. Very tricky time and I'm going round in circles.
hire a hitman
 

onesiedale

Member
Livestock Farmer
Location
Derbyshire
sorry to hear of your complicated family issues. You are correct in seeing that it needs addressing in a manner that is both professional and compassionate.
As someone has suggested, a GP may be of some help, but will be limited when it comes to sorting out the business/farm side if things.

A 3rd party intermediary would be a good solution. An ag consultant who can see a clear vision, be impartial and strong enough to see through any long standing issues.
For the sake of 3 or 4 good meetings, it could be a good investment in your family and your farms future
 
I'm grown up now, but since my 20s I've sorted a lot of '5hit' in the background to keep the peace, most to do with this issue, I know why the situation has happened (it was with good intentions but panned out horribly, I know why certain family members have had to 'carry on' (emotional baggage etc) but I've dealt with an increasing amount of rubbish and i'm sick. We've nearly lost the lot due directly to this situation, I had to leave for a few years, directly due to this situation, I'm now in the End Game trying to sort it without hurting anyone....impossible.

A therapist would lock him up, Seriously. Particularly if i told them what I know.

You're all sensible people pointing out the obvious to me. Much appreciated.
therapist would be confidential, except if there was a danger to another or ethical issue, all spoken about during the first session.
 

Kidds

Member
Horticulture
I think every family has an issue everybody avoids, my family is certainly no different.
Over the last few years we have dealt with al the easier issues and are now left with the big one. Only one way to do it and just confront it head on in my opinion.
Very easy to do but you 100% needs the backing of the rest of the family or it won't work.
If nothing else it sounds like you need to sort it out for your own sanity. We have put up with some crap over the years and in hindsight it was never the right thing to have done. Dealing with it properly has always been the right thing to do.
Try looking in from the outside and do what you think is right, never be unkind though. I always try to do the right thing but always be able to live with myself afterwards.
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
sorry to hear of your complicated family issues. You are correct in seeing that it needs addressing in a manner that is both professional and compassionate.
As someone has suggested, a GP may be of some help, but will be limited when it comes to sorting out the business/farm side if things.

A 3rd party intermediary would be a good solution. An ag consultant who can see a clear vision, be impartial and strong enough to see through any long standing issues.
For the sake of 3 or 4 good meetings, it could be a good investment in your family and your farms future
Our Ag Consultant chucked said individual out of the last meeting we had saying "I've never met anyone before who will not listen to anyone else's opinion. You are also utterly business inept. I refuse to deal with you any more".

The fella had just done something so unbelievably ridiculous that if I put it on here you wouldn't believe me. He wa still in the right though....of course.
 

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Man fined £300 for bonfire-related waste offences

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Written by William Kellett from Agriland

court-640x360.jpg
A man has pleaded guilty at Newtownards Magistrates’ Court to waste offences relating to a bonfire next to the electrical sub-station on the Circular Road in Newtownards, Co. Down.

Gareth Gill (51) of Abbot’s Walk, Newtownards pleaded guilty to two charges under the Waste and Contaminated Land (Northern Ireland) Order 1997, for which he was fined £150 each and ordered to pay a £15 offender’s levy

On June 25, 2018, PSNI officers went to Gill’s yard, where they found a large amount of waste consisting of scrap wood, pallets, carpet and underlay.

Discussion with Northern Ireland Environment Agency (NIEA) officers confirmed the site...
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