Family issues....keep the peace?

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
I think every family has an issue everybody avoids, my family is certainly no different.
Over the last few years we have dealt with al the easier issues and are now left with the big one. Only one way to do it and just confront it head on in my opinion.
Very easy to do but you 100% needs the backing of the rest of the family or it won't work.
If nothing else it sounds like you need to sort it out for your own sanity. We have put up with some crap over the years and in hindsight it was never the right thing to have done. Dealing with it properly has always been the right thing to do.
Try looking in from the outside and do what you think is right, never be unkind though. I always try to do the right thing but always be able to live with myself afterwards.
My sentiments exactly, the RIGHT thing to do is address this, but I worry about the repercussions...hence 'is it right'?

This was started 2 generations back, they admitted they got it wrong and never though this infantile nonsense would come out in a grown man, but it was too late. The next generation grew up 'helping' a,d the emotional pressure was too much for it to be dealt with, then me, and it's now affecting my kids. All because 1 individual had MAJOR psychological issues not dealt with a long toime ago and is now used to living in a fantasy world. The daft thing is, he's now angry because his fantasy world isn't fantastic enough. Insane,

I try to teach my kids that you should do the RIGHT thing, even when it's the hardest option, and that's how I usually go about things. Due to the family history though this is a real corker. My Mrs says "You (me) can't fix everything for everybody", and I know she's right, but this is going to be a tough fall out, even if the 'deluded' one does bring it on himself. No way to fix it without someone getting hurt, which \i suppose is why I asked on here.

Your sentiments are bang on, thanks very much.
 

Macsky

Member
Livestock Farmer
Location
Highland
Spend some time gathering your thoughts and put them into a very comprehensive and concise, but sympathetic letter, detailing the all problems and solutions, let the family have a look too so you’re all on the same page, then give it to him, let him have his tantrum (make sure to make reference to them as well, maybe take the wind out his sails a bit), then sit down with him at a later date after he’s been made very aware of the issues and thrash it out with him, with or without length of blue pipe.
 
If there is some serious pyschological issue at work here then it is time to get a professional or professionals involved. I still think a proper family meeting may be in order but everyone needs to approach it sensitively.

I suspect you may need to get a GP appointment at the first instance, possibly a therapist or counsellor may be useful but you need to establish a clear boundary that the conduct that has happened in the past is not acceptable and may even be putting the individual themselves at great risk.

Someone who seems to generate internal strife and ignores any and all societal/social norms whilst seeming unable to function without living within a protective familial comfort zone could be showing symptoms of a genuine long-term mental illness. I wouldn't like to discuss much more in detail here but you are welcome PM me if you think it would be useful. Try not to take anything personally though I can appreciate it may be easier to say this than do it.
 

br jones

Member
OId enough but not that old....still many years of this left.

I agree, this is very sad, I feel sorry for him, which is the real issue i suppose, but by not addressing it I'm just fueling his delusion....and driving myself round the bend, watching the situation get worse.

Locals ring me for a chat to laugh about him and say 'you deserve a medal' etc....it's that bad.

i really must get it sorted.

Thanks for helping.
pcychiatrist, tell them you have an important meeting both go ,pre warn the shrink
 

Flatlander

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Lorette Manitoba
Lots of family farming situations have one member that causes issues, sounds like yours is in the extreme thou. I’d make sure before it escalates that all your paperwork is in order so you can’t be put out on the street after the sh1t hits the fan. If the said person holds a major financial stake in the farm it could be a real mess that’s best left alone and let nature take its coarse. If you don’t already hold power of attorney I’d really advise getting one if possible. Even if it’s tied to a will or partnership agreement. If the person holds no financial control then don’t worry about it.
I know it’s tough to go against a close family member and have them committed to an institution but sound like this might be a good option until the mental health issue is corrected or at least recognized formally. Nothing to say they are staying there afterwards. As said thou family backing is essential and all this would be better instigated by a third party with no financial ties. Does this person have a spouse,are they competent to make a will or power of attorney.
 

som farmer

Member
Livestock Farmer
Location
somerset
my old man refused to sort out a family problem 45 yrs ago, he died 26 yrs ago, and the problem is still there, and laughing at us, fortunately no business interference, perhaps, if there had been, l would have sorted it, once and for all. I have put forward proposals to sort it, which would work perfectly, but threatened with barristers etc, others have refused to continue, and backed down. Perhaps its lucky that it has split the family, so, as the final reckoning isn't very far away, l don't have to worry about upsetting anyone, but the bad feeling gnaws away at you, and it's hard to be sensible, baseball bat, is an increasingly lovely thought. And the locals know all about it, they just make polite remarks, and ignore them, which only makes them feel 'important'. At the end of the day, it will have to be me that sorts it, and l will be ruthless, but it will have cost, the rest of us thousands of pounds, and split a family up, permanently, all for a helping hand, when needed.
So my advice, bite the bullet and sort it, its the only sensible solution, putting it off, just passes the buck, it won't go away, it just festers. Just make sure you have all the facts, and employ a very good solicitor, and go in hard, polite is useless. Now you have wound me up !!!!
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
Lots of family farming situations have one member that causes issues, sounds like yours is in the extreme thou. I’d make sure before it escalates that all your paperwork is in order so you can’t be put out on the street after the sh1t hits the fan. If the said person holds a major financial stake in the farm it could be a real mess that’s best left alone and let nature take its coarse. If you don’t already hold power of attorney I’d really advise getting one if possible. Even if it’s tied to a will or partnership agreement. If the person holds no financial control then don’t worry about it.
I know it’s tough to go against a close family member and have them committed to an institution but sound like this might be a good option until the mental health issue is corrected or at least recognized formally. Nothing to say they are staying there afterwards. As said thou family backing is essential and all this would be better instigated by a third party with no financial ties. Does this person have a spouse,are they competent to make a will or power of attorney.
WE're sorted financially, he's gone, and incredibly he has family....That's another issue as I get on with them but don't think me dropping the "he's a lunatic' bomb will be what they're after. and i don't want to upset them. If I put on here even 5% of examples of what's gone on you would all be open mouthed.
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
my old man refused to sort out a family problem 45 yrs ago, he died 26 yrs ago, and the problem is still there, and laughing at us, fortunately no business interference, perhaps, if there had been, l would have sorted it, once and for all. I have put forward proposals to sort it, which would work perfectly, but threatened with barristers etc, others have refused to continue, and backed down. Perhaps its lucky that it has split the family, so, as the final reckoning isn't very far away, l don't have to worry about upsetting anyone, but the bad feeling gnaws away at you, and it's hard to be sensible, baseball bat, is an increasingly lovely thought. And the locals know all about it, they just make polite remarks, and ignore them, which only makes them feel 'important'. At the end of the day, it will have to be me that sorts it, and l will be ruthless, but it will have cost, the rest of us thousands of pounds, and split a family up, permanently, all for a helping hand, when needed.
So my advice, bite the bullet and sort it, its the only sensible solution, putting it off, just passes the buck, it won't go away, it just festers. Just make sure you have all the facts, and employ a very good solicitor, and go in hard, polite is useless. Now you have wound me up !!!!
Sounds like you are in a similar situation. We too have lost tens, if not hundreds of thousands directly due to this madman. Apologies for winding you up., good luck. One day we shall return here victorious and compare notes.
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
Does the individual have any business clout in your business enterprise?
Not anymore, despite ludicrous claims of arrogance and , "you won't do that" or "that's mine"....he's had the rug pulled completely (as happens when such claims are fantasy) but is still creating mayhem .
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
Any way of breaking the issues into smaller pieces and dealing with them 1 at a time?
We have tried and had some success but every single step is met with arrogance, faux anger (anger that we won't immediately agree to the latest made up claims), and resistance to every change. It's pathetic, he has a hide like a rhino.
 

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