11 yr old lad new school few friends - is there any hope?

[MRT]

I have my trusty sidearm with me at all times.

Somersets rougher than I imagined. Uni clubs I found really awkward, shooting was great, rugby I didn't fit in (but never did in a rugby club) the two Uni boxing clubs I tried were both unfriendly and ended in tears, weird because just about every normal club I've been too (and thats a fair few) has had a welcoming and warm if harsh atmosphere

 

[Will Wilson]

+1 for boxing when its an option.

 

[czechmate]

What about Karting? Any track local to you. Honda prokarts are not that expensive

 

[melted welly]

One of my boys seems to be heading down a similar road as the OP. He’s at a small rural school, but mostly town kids. There’s barely a week goes by without some sort of incident, often several - name calling, physical attacks, isolation. Breaks your heart seeing the sparkle go from his eyes. He’s come home with bruising to face and body.

He’s a complicated character, equally brilliant, frustrating and annoying all at the same time which makes for an easy target. He’s also soft, lacks confidence and is very sensitive about himself yet completely oblivious to others feelings at the same time. He can’t read situations/people very well. He’s on the spectrum for adhd, we’ve been though the assessment process which was pretty much a waste of time in my opinion, but it gets a bit more money for the school to help him. However, the help seems to manifest itself in isolating him further, and the coping strategies lay him open for ridicule - special cushion, earmuffs etc.

The school isn’t a bad school, his little brother is 2 years behind and he doesn’t have the same issues, but he’s a totally different character. However, school seem incapable of dealing with the issue in the eldest’s cohort. It emanates from 1 child, with another who quickly joins in, recently, apparently a third is also getting involved. We’ve known all these boys since nursery, he was friends with them but things seem to have changed.

Talking to the parents isn’t an option, one’s stance is “he’s a little beggar, what can you do?” And the other main protagonists mother was friends with my wife, but when the problems started, she dealt with it by breaking the friendship in a fairly crazy way and telling her never to contact her again, if we see her out, she won’t even acknowledge a “hello” if your stood directly opposite her looking her in the eye.

He’s 9 going on 10, he’s got 2 years left at primary then would be going to a different secondary school than almost all of his classmates, including his friends and the 2 dickheads.

We are at a bit of a loss as to how to help him, he has some friends, however the latest tactic appears to be to get all the boys playing together then exclude/attack our boy once the games up and running. Leaving him on his own. He says one of his friends comes and sticks up for him, but asking our youngest, he says he doesn’t see this happen.

If someone is bullied at work, there a raft of rules and regs and consequences. If a little boy is bullied at school it appears that the bullied party is the one who suffers the consequences.

What to do?
He’s not one for team games, tried him at rugby, football and he’s pretty uncoachable, gets bored, messes about. He does cubs, which he enjoys but regularly gets in bother for getting carried away. Loves Lego, it’s one of the few things where he’ll follow instructions to the tee, but that’s again a solitary hobby. Loves animals, nature, outdoors, history, engineering, computer games (but he’s restricted to my 1990s consoles), my wife and mum are also really good at keeping him active, however, it’s almost always with family and other adults.

Anyone any ideas on different parenting strategies for our situation?

We’ve taken the precaution of weaponising his little brother thru little ninjas club, but the elder brother went once and didn’t want to go back, which I’ve tried to convince him to reconsider both from a social point of view and also to help him deal with the bullies.

 

[workin f nowt]

One of my boys seems to be heading down a similar road as the OP. He’s at a small rural school, but mostly town kids. There’s barely a week goes by without some sort of incident, often several - name calling, physical attacks, isolation. Breaks your heart seeing the sparkle go from his eyes. He’s come home with bruising to face and body.

He’s a complicated character, equally brilliant, frustrating and annoying all at the same time which makes for an easy target. He’s also soft, lacks confidence and is very sensitive about himself yet completely oblivious to others feelings at the same time. He can’t read situations/people very well. He’s on the spectrum for adhd, we’ve been though the assessment process which was pretty much a waste of time in my opinion, but it gets a bit more money for the school to help him. However, the help seems to manifest itself in isolating him further, and the coping strategies lay him open for ridicule - special cushion, earmuffs etc.

The school isn’t a bad school, his little brother is 2 years behind and he doesn’t have the same issues, but he’s a totally different character. However, school seem incapable of dealing with the issue in the eldest’s cohort. It emanates from 1 child, with another who quickly joins in, recently, apparently a third is also getting involved. We’ve known all these boys since nursery, he was friends with them but things seem to have changed.

Talking to the parents isn’t an option, one’s stance is “he’s a little beggar, what can you do?” And the other main protagonists mother was friends with my wife, but when the problems started, she dealt with it by breaking the friendship in a fairly crazy way and telling her never to contact her again, if we see her out, she won’t even acknowledge a “hello” if your stood directly opposite her looking her in the eye.

He’s 9 going on 10, he’s got 2 years left at primary then would be going to a different secondary school than almost all of his classmates, including his friends and the 2 dickheads.

We are at a bit of a loss as to how to help him, he has some friends, however the latest tactic appears to be to get all the boys playing together then exclude/attack our boy once the games up and running. Leaving him on his own. He says one of his friends comes and sticks up for him, but asking our youngest, he says he doesn’t see this happen.

If someone is bullied at work, there a raft of rules and regs and consequences. If a little boy is bullied at school it appears that the bullied party is the one who suffers the consequences.

What to do?
He’s not one for team games, tried him at rugby, football and he’s pretty uncoachable, gets bored, messes about. He does cubs, which he enjoys but regularly gets in bother for getting carried away. Loves Lego, it’s one of the few things where he’ll follow instructions to the tee, but that’s again a solitary hobby. Loves animals, nature, outdoors, history, engineering, computer games (but he’s restricted to my 1990s consoles), my wife and mum are also really good at keeping him active, however, it’s almost always with family and other adults.

Anyone any ideas on different parenting strategies for our situation?

We’ve taken the precaution of weaponising his little brother thru little ninjas club, but the elder brother went once and didn’t want to go back, which I’ve tried to convince him to reconsider both from a social point of view and also to help him deal with the bullies.

Sorry to hear what is happening to your child it must be soul destroying. When my lads were at school these things always happen but did tell them fighting wasn't the answer. Or rather not to start it but always finish it. One was getting a bit of hassle and I told him land one on the ring leader the others are only dragged along with him. Yes I was dragged into school but pointed out if they weren't prepared to do anything he was. It stopped straight away and by no means am I condoning physical violence sometimes its the only way little Jonny can grasp if parental control hasn't been there.
I do hope you get this resolved for your child's sake

 

[melted welly]

Sorry to hear what is happening to your child it must be soul destroying. When my lads were at school these things always happen but did tell them fighting wasn't the answer. Or rather not to start it but always finish it. One was getting a bit of hassle and I told him land one on the ring leader the others are only dragged along with him. Yes I was dragged into school but pointed out if they weren't prepared to do anything he was. It stopped straight away and by no means am I condoning physical violence sometimes its the only way little Jonny can grasp if parental control hasn't been there.
I do hope you get this resolved for your child's sake

I had that conversation with him last night, but I’m not sure he’s got it in him currently. I briefly found my self in position at high school where the wolves circled but being of farming stick and playing rugby meant I was able to pin the main protagonist against a wall in front of his pals and the problem went away.
Not a violent person, but I think fighting fire with fire sometimes is a necessity.

 

[spin cycle]

I had that conversation with him last night, but I’m not sure he’s got it in him currently. I briefly found my self in position at high school where the wolves circled but being of farming stick and playing rugby meant I was able to pin the main protagonist against a wall in front of his pals and the problem went away.
Not a violent person, but I think fighting fire with fire sometimes is a necessity.

an idea...not sure if it's good one or not

get the latest computer games...online etc...the reason being it'll give him something in common and to talk about with his peers...making new friends is key and this could be one way perhaps?

 

[melted welly]

an idea...not sure if it's good one or not

get the latest computer games...online etc...the reason being it'll give him something in common and to talk about with his peers...making new friends is key and this could be one way perhaps?

Thanks, We’re a bit reticent towards the gaming for 2 reasons - its all consuming and he struggles with self control but also it’s both private and very public at the same time. Which I mean, we worry that what happens at school will spill over into home too via the wonder of connected gaming and we would not necessarily be aware. At least with the overt stuff, we know about it.

 

[toquark]

I had that conversation with him last night, but I’m not sure he’s got it in him currently. I briefly found my self in position at high school where the wolves circled but being of farming stick and playing rugby meant I was able to pin the main protagonist against a wall in front of his pals and the problem went away.
Not a violent person, but I think fighting fire with fire sometimes is a necessity.

It is at school unfortunately, I had the same issue when the class bellend turned his sights on me one day. It was dealt with that day out of the way of the teachers and was never an issue again.

Difficult question, I think a lot comes down to confidence and self belief, if you enter a room thinking you’ll get hassled, you’ll get hassled. Kids can be perceptive and cruel in equal measure. I think with boys it’s a little more straight forward in that they are more physical and in your face than girls, so the measures to protect against bullying tend to mirror that.

 

[suffolksmallholder]

My two youngest had activities outside school which meant they had friends outside of the school circle. This certainly helped.
We were part of a brilliant local Pony Club where the parents socialised as well, not only the children.
For all the horse/pony owner haters, please note. The children still socialise together fifteen years on and so do some of the adults

There is a massive difference between town & rural children and they rarely mix well IMO.
This was one of the major drivers to us moving to sunny Suffolk!
I will say that it was the biggest upheaval in our lives, ever, leaving the village where my family had been for close to a century.
The positive was that the children found their wings in the local schools and are happily forging their own lives now.
SS

 

[Hampton]

I feel for you.
It is hard, but it is the schools responsibility.
Find there policy and send an email to the school quoting their safeguarding policy.
Tell them to watch closely at breaks to stop things escalating.
If your son isn’t the type to hit people he just won’t do it.
Friends are vital, but obvs some want to keep their head down to avoid trouble.
Always remember when my eldest was 10 and a new boy came in with a prosthetic leg.
My son got so excited because of the paralympics That when the boy told him he was getting a blade he started calling him Jonny Peacock and kept asking if he could see it.
The kid gained so much confidence and no one picked on him about it. A difference turned into a bit of a super strength.
Was very proud of my lad about that.

also, play dates help forge strong bonds away from school.
If you are nervous, do activities, bowling, swimming, laser quest etc.
Cost a bit, but gives them something to talk about and bond over

 

[Optimus]

Thanks, We’re a bit reticent towards the gaming for 2 reasons - its all consuming and he struggles with self control but also it’s both private and very public at the same time. Which I mean, we worry that what happens at school will spill over into home too via the wonder of connected gaming and we would not necessarily be aware. At least with the overt stuff, we know about it.

I know where your coming from but a point will come where everyone will be gaming except him an he'll be even more alone.
I just watched my 10 year old nephew play Fortnite whilst speaking to his friends back in oz.a far cry from playing space invaders on the Atari.

 

[Hampton]

I know where your coming from but a point will come where everyone will be gaming except him an he'll be even more alone.
I just watched my 10 year old nephew play Fortnite whilst speaking to his friends back in oz.a far cry from playing space invaders on the Atari.

My kids got an Xbox for Xmas off the grandparents.
I’ve already deleted Fortnite as it is just too stimulating for my 9 year old.
He can’t sit still when he plays it and it’s too much.
He’s fine with all the other games though

 

[Optimus]

My kids got an Xbox for Xmas off the grandparents.
I’ve already deleted Fortnite as it is just too stimulating for my 9 year old.
He can’t sit still when he plays it and it’s too much.
He’s fine with all the other games though

Yeah I get that. it can be a bit intense on the battle royale.the Lego fortnite is quite good.i still don't get Minecraft though

 

[Kidds]

If they are not able to give the main bully a damned good smack on the nose and not everyone is able to do this, then mither the feck out of the teachers, headmaster and school governors.
Been there, done that. You have to be extremely determined though and tbh it would be a lot quicker and easier if you went and smacked the bully yourself.
Bullying is an issue taken very seriously these days if you know who to mither.

 

[Pistonbroke]

It's the school's responsibility,if they haven't dealt with it,the council will bollock them. Speak to the council education department and the school will have to act

 

[melted welly]

I know where your coming from but a point will come where everyone will be gaming except him an he'll be even more alone.
I just watched my 10 year old nephew play Fortnite whilst speaking to his friends back in oz.a far cry from playing space invaders on the Atari.

I’m maybe a bit sheltered, would rather he had real friends he than online friends. *

*says man in conversation with strangers online.

 

[teslacoils]

I’m maybe a bit sheltered, would rather he had real friends he than online friends. *

*says man in conversation with strangers online.

My son comes home from playing with his friends at school, does homework, then onto meeting them in the online world. Its just whats done now.

Fortnite is not suitable for any primary-aged child. Its rated 12 for a reason.

Sadly, online gaming is not a safe space for children who have been bullied. Ive heard enough tales of children who have been invited into a group game of Minecraft by the cool kids, only for them to break their vitrual creations. A safe alternative would be online games with cousins or other family members.

 

[Tractorstant]

My son comes home from playing with his friends at school, does homework, then onto meeting them in the online world. Its just whats done now.

Fortnite is not suitable for any primary-aged child. Its rated 12 for a reason.

Sadly, online gaming is not a safe space for children who have been bullied. Ive heard enough tales of children who have been invited into a group game of Minecraft by the cool kids, only for them to break their vitrual creations. A safe alternative would be online games with cousins or other family members.

I was just about to mention you @teslacoils

My Nephew is a lovely fellow but quite awkward in some aspects, hates team sports, and is very introverted, yet they will tell the lady in Halfords that she should restock her selves in a better manner to get more space! He finds it hard to fit in, however, recently I played chess with him, I am not great, after a couple of games, he had me pinned! With this in mind, I bought him some Warhammer models ( imagine chess with guns and models you have to paint with a very fine brush.. ) He is now reading the rules and will hopefully join a little club. As others have said clubs outside of school, your lad needs to find his "thing" which, might not be Rugby, Cricket or alike.

On another note, here are two other suggestions, left of centre...

Have you got a mate with a SuperCar? Lambo/Fezza or something like that, I am sure that a pick up from school or a drop off in one would earn "street cred."

If they are Townies that are giving him stick or his "friends", why not invite some over for a "play" on the farm? Show them a few bits of kit, and let them take the wheel of a tractor ( Hello, HSE! ), Air riffle a few targets, make a huge bonfire and build a go-cart.

Your lad will be on his turf, and these bullies won't be able to do that in their parent's jelly mould house on their estate. I bet it will be spoken about for years......

Failing that, still make the bonfire; just add bullies!!

 

[flinty123]

Tin hat on, but you'll be shocked at how even at a young age money talks, make sure your lad has the latest trainers, clothes games etc and watch the reasons for bullying go away.