11 yr old lad new school few friends - is there any hope?

[melted welly]

Tin hat on, but you'll be shocked at how even at a young age money talks, make sure your lad has the latest trainers, clothes games etc and watch the reasons for bullying go away.

The current stick with which he’s beaten is that he doesn’t want to watch some film called 5 nights at Freddy’s. It’s some sort of low budget scary film and he doesn’t cope well with that sort of thing, which he realises and is why he’s not watched it.

 

[teslacoils]

I was just about to mention you @teslacoils

My Nephew is a lovely fellow but quite awkward in some aspects, hates team sports, and is very introverted, yet they will tell the lady in Halfords that she should restock her selves in a better manner to get more space! He finds it hard to fit in, however, recently I played chess with him, I am not great, after a couple of games, he had me pinned! With this in mind, I bought him some Warhammer models ( imagine chess with guns and models you have to paint with a very fine brush.. ) He is now reading the rules and will hopefully join a little club. As others have said clubs outside of school, your lad needs to find his "thing" which, might not be Rugby, Cricket or alike.

Lol, Warhammer does attract a certain person. That being said, ive had years of great fun from it, and good friendships. It doesnt sound like this youngster is lacking in hobbies, and more like a small number of the "in" group are being unkind to the point of violence. School, especially primary school, should be somewhere children want to go. Not where they come back with bruises caused by someone hitting them in the face on purpose.

 

[teslacoils]

The current stick with which he’s beaten is that he doesn’t want to watch some film called 5 nights at Freddy’s. It’s some sort of low budget scary film and he doesn’t cope well with that sort of thing, which he realises and is why he’s not watched it.

Its 15 rated and not suitable for anyone at primary.

 

[AT Aloss]

Been a tough year on our youngest. Being semi-rural, new comp started in Sept (most of the other children went further out to faith school) Him and his brother prob only farming children in the huge school. With boys its all sweaty football and Xbox. Aggressive on the playground rude and obnoxious boys cant possibly just kick a ball around it all serious so any time he want to join in they push him off. Then what other hobbies or interests do they have? Its seems its all staring at the phone or xbox. My lil lad is into mountain biking, walking, running, swimming & food. Now that any extra circ is cancelled at school there is little room for him to even find new friends in other years as well. Even in Junior his abilities at running and cycling were not given anything like the football kids were getting accolades in assemblies etc which really wound me up. Everything is now cancelled.

I see my poor 11 yr old who has struggled with schooling as it is have no real friends. His older brother is his best friend but his brother wants to spend time with his other biking friends. This afternoon gone off on a walk on his own. When I compare it to my childhood makes mine look marvellous (even though it was more likely ok).

His father takes him in the workshop so he's not alone that much but rather see him making friends with things in common. He spends a lot of time on Instagram which imo is not good for mental health and Roblox. I cant get him to read or drawer or do anything to help him focus on improving his schooling either.

With this Covid his childhood at this stage is really sad to watch. He can walk over the fields to the outskirts of the town but then no one is out.

Not really sure why Im saying this really but its not helped by Covid. I just hope when he goes back to school next week there is hope of building new relationships with others.

I'm afraid this was very much the situation for my son who didn't really find his tribe until he joined Young Farmers & then went to the local agricultural college to do Level 3 Ag.

 

[Muddyroads]

One of my boys seems to be heading down a similar road as the OP. He’s at a small rural school, but mostly town kids. There’s barely a week goes by without some sort of incident, often several - name calling, physical attacks, isolation. Breaks your heart seeing the sparkle go from his eyes. He’s come home with bruising to face and body.

He’s a complicated character, equally brilliant, frustrating and annoying all at the same time which makes for an easy target. He’s also soft, lacks confidence and is very sensitive about himself yet completely oblivious to others feelings at the same time. He can’t read situations/people very well. He’s on the spectrum for adhd, we’ve been though the assessment process which was pretty much a waste of time in my opinion, but it gets a bit more money for the school to help him. However, the help seems to manifest itself in isolating him further, and the coping strategies lay him open for ridicule - special cushion, earmuffs etc.

The school isn’t a bad school, his little brother is 2 years behind and he doesn’t have the same issues, but he’s a totally different character. However, school seem incapable of dealing with the issue in the eldest’s cohort. It emanates from 1 child, with another who quickly joins in, recently, apparently a third is also getting involved. We’ve known all these boys since nursery, he was friends with them but things seem to have changed.

Talking to the parents isn’t an option, one’s stance is “he’s a little beggar, what can you do?” And the other main protagonists mother was friends with my wife, but when the problems started, she dealt with it by breaking the friendship in a fairly crazy way and telling her never to contact her again, if we see her out, she won’t even acknowledge a “hello” if your stood directly opposite her looking her in the eye.

He’s 9 going on 10, he’s got 2 years left at primary then would be going to a different secondary school than almost all of his classmates, including his friends and the 2 dickheads.

We are at a bit of a loss as to how to help him, he has some friends, however the latest tactic appears to be to get all the boys playing together then exclude/attack our boy once the games up and running. Leaving him on his own. He says one of his friends comes and sticks up for him, but asking our youngest, he says he doesn’t see this happen.

If someone is bullied at work, there a raft of rules and regs and consequences. If a little boy is bullied at school it appears that the bullied party is the one who suffers the consequences.

What to do?
He’s not one for team games, tried him at rugby, football and he’s pretty uncoachable, gets bored, messes about. He does cubs, which he enjoys but regularly gets in bother for getting carried away. Loves Lego, it’s one of the few things where he’ll follow instructions to the tee, but that’s again a solitary hobby. Loves animals, nature, outdoors, history, engineering, computer games (but he’s restricted to my 1990s consoles), my wife and mum are also really good at keeping him active, however, it’s almost always with family and other adults.

Anyone any ideas on different parenting strategies for our situation?

We’ve taken the precaution of weaponising his little brother thru little ninjas club, but the elder brother went once and didn’t want to go back, which I’ve tried to convince him to reconsider both from a social point of view and also to help him deal with the bullies.

I’m sorry to see this, it makes for sad reading. Does he have any interest in music? If there was a chance that he could pick up something like a guitar he could both gain enjoyment through it as well as becoming one of the cooler kids in school in due course. Confidence seems to be the big key in all of this which all too often only comes with time. Anything you can do to boost this and his self belief will undoubtedly help him but more easily said than done.

 

[kfpben]

One of my boys seems to be heading down a similar road as the OP. He’s at a small rural school, but mostly town kids. There’s barely a week goes by without some sort of incident, often several - name calling, physical attacks, isolation. Breaks your heart seeing the sparkle go from his eyes. He’s come home with bruising to face and body.

He’s a complicated character, equally brilliant, frustrating and annoying all at the same time which makes for an easy target. He’s also soft, lacks confidence and is very sensitive about himself yet completely oblivious to others feelings at the same time. He can’t read situations/people very well. He’s on the spectrum for adhd, we’ve been though the assessment process which was pretty much a waste of time in my opinion, but it gets a bit more money for the school to help him. However, the help seems to manifest itself in isolating him further, and the coping strategies lay him open for ridicule - special cushion, earmuffs etc.

The school isn’t a bad school, his little brother is 2 years behind and he doesn’t have the same issues, but he’s a totally different character. However, school seem incapable of dealing with the issue in the eldest’s cohort. It emanates from 1 child, with another who quickly joins in, recently, apparently a third is also getting involved. We’ve known all these boys since nursery, he was friends with them but things seem to have changed.

Talking to the parents isn’t an option, one’s stance is “he’s a little beggar, what can you do?” And the other main protagonists mother was friends with my wife, but when the problems started, she dealt with it by breaking the friendship in a fairly crazy way and telling her never to contact her again, if we see her out, she won’t even acknowledge a “hello” if your stood directly opposite her looking her in the eye.

He’s 9 going on 10, he’s got 2 years left at primary then would be going to a different secondary school than almost all of his classmates, including his friends and the 2 dickheads.

We are at a bit of a loss as to how to help him, he has some friends, however the latest tactic appears to be to get all the boys playing together then exclude/attack our boy once the games up and running. Leaving him on his own. He says one of his friends comes and sticks up for him, but asking our youngest, he says he doesn’t see this happen.

If someone is bullied at work, there a raft of rules and regs and consequences. If a little boy is bullied at school it appears that the bullied party is the one who suffers the consequences.

What to do?
He’s not one for team games, tried him at rugby, football and he’s pretty uncoachable, gets bored, messes about. He does cubs, which he enjoys but regularly gets in bother for getting carried away. Loves Lego, it’s one of the few things where he’ll follow instructions to the tee, but that’s again a solitary hobby. Loves animals, nature, outdoors, history, engineering, computer games (but he’s restricted to my 1990s consoles), my wife and mum are also really good at keeping him active, however, it’s almost always with family and other adults.

Anyone any ideas on different parenting strategies for our situation?

We’ve taken the precaution of weaponising his little brother thru little ninjas club, but the elder brother went once and didn’t want to go back, which I’ve tried to convince him to reconsider both from a social point of view and also to help him deal with the bullies.

Is there a junior young farmers near you? In England some clubs start at 10.
Sounds like your lad might enjoy it.

 

[Hampton]

Its 15 rated and not suitable for anyone at primary.

Wouldn’t let mine watch it and he’s nearly 13, let alone primary kids.
I often get the 12s I let him watch
He doesn’t complain to be fair

 

[Blue.]

Is there a junior young farmers near you? In England some clubs start at 10.
Sounds like your lad might enjoy it.

My 10 year old goes to our local young farmers,as do his older sisters.

 

[Netherfield]

Careful with the guitar idea though, nephew of Mrs N's friend topped himself when the band he was in wanted to drop him.

Unfortunately he wasn't getting to be a better player no matter how much he practised, rest of the band didn't to lose him as a friend, but he just wasn't good enough to play.

 

[alomy75]

My little boy has just started school and I’m petrified reading all this! He’s just like I was; quiet and not really into normal townie stuff. Looking back; I always had a lot more female friends than other boys-you don’t ‘often’ get a girl bullying a boy or vice versa-maybe this could be an idea for some of the kids mentioned? I certainly found them easier to talk to. Plus at that age they’re less of a distraction

 

[MRT]

One of my boys seems to be heading down a similar road as the OP. He’s at a small rural school, but mostly town kids. There’s barely a week goes by without some sort of incident, often several - name calling, physical attacks, isolation. Breaks your heart seeing the sparkle go from his eyes. He’s come home with bruising to face and body.

He’s a complicated character, equally brilliant, frustrating and annoying all at the same time which makes for an easy target. He’s also soft, lacks confidence and is very sensitive about himself yet completely oblivious to others feelings at the same time. He can’t read situations/people very well. He’s on the spectrum for adhd, we’ve been though the assessment process which was pretty much a waste of time in my opinion, but it gets a bit more money for the school to help him. However, the help seems to manifest itself in isolating him further, and the coping strategies lay him open for ridicule - special cushion, earmuffs etc.

The school isn’t a bad school, his little brother is 2 years behind and he doesn’t have the same issues, but he’s a totally different character. However, school seem incapable of dealing with the issue in the eldest’s cohort. It emanates from 1 child, with another who quickly joins in, recently, apparently a third is also getting involved. We’ve known all these boys since nursery, he was friends with them but things seem to have changed.

Talking to the parents isn’t an option, one’s stance is “he’s a little beggar, what can you do?” And the other main protagonists mother was friends with my wife, but when the problems started, she dealt with it by breaking the friendship in a fairly crazy way and telling her never to contact her again, if we see her out, she won’t even acknowledge a “hello” if your stood directly opposite her looking her in the eye.

He’s 9 going on 10, he’s got 2 years left at primary then would be going to a different secondary school than almost all of his classmates, including his friends and the 2 dickheads.

We are at a bit of a loss as to how to help him, he has some friends, however the latest tactic appears to be to get all the boys playing together then exclude/attack our boy once the games up and running. Leaving him on his own. He says one of his friends comes and sticks up for him, but asking our youngest, he says he doesn’t see this happen.

If someone is bullied at work, there a raft of rules and regs and consequences. If a little boy is bullied at school it appears that the bullied party is the one who suffers the consequences.

What to do?
He’s not one for team games, tried him at rugby, football and he’s pretty uncoachable, gets bored, messes about. He does cubs, which he enjoys but regularly gets in bother for getting carried away. Loves Lego, it’s one of the few things where he’ll follow instructions to the tee, but that’s again a solitary hobby. Loves animals, nature, outdoors, history, engineering, computer games (but he’s restricted to my 1990s consoles), my wife and mum are also really good at keeping him active, however, it’s almost always with family and other adults.

Anyone any ideas on different parenting strategies for our situation?

We’ve taken the precaution of weaponising his little brother thru little ninjas club, but the elder brother went once and didn’t want to go back, which I’ve tried to convince him to reconsider both from a social point of view and also to help him deal with the bullies.

The school can be forced to look after your son better, but can't change the other children significantly. Would you consider moving schools? I moved my daughter for the last year of primary and she had the best year of her school life.

 

[melted welly]

I’m sorry to see this, it makes for sad reading. Does he have any interest in music? If there was a chance that he could pick up something like a guitar he could both gain enjoyment through it as well as becoming one of the cooler kids in school in due course. Confidence seems to be the big key in all of this which all too often only comes with time. Anything you can do to boost this and his self belief will undoubtedly help him but more easily said than done.

Thanks, he does enjoy music, likes dancing, singing but is not keen on doing any of it now, I don’t know if that’s because he’s not that interested or because he is worried about drawing more attention to himself. He’s had a go on the drums which seem to suit him better and he did enjoy, but hasnt pursued. He doesn’t struggle for hobbies, and we just don’t sit about the house ever, he’s a very active boy and his default setting is happy, however it feels like that is being worn out of him just now.

ps I don’t think any child of mine has a chance of ever being cool.. the whole “cool” thing totally past me by but I don’t think it was to my detriment, plus saved a small fortune.

 

[Sharpy]

@Chasingmytail , how is your son getting on now?

 

[Muddyroads]

Thanks, he does enjoy music, likes dancing, singing but is not keen on doing any of it now, I don’t know if that’s because he’s not that interested or because he is worried about drawing more attention to himself. He’s had a go on the drums which seem to suit him better and he did enjoy, but hasnt pursued. He doesn’t struggle for hobbies, and we just don’t sit about the house ever, he’s a very active boy and his default setting is happy, however it feels like that is being worn out of him just now.

ps I don’t think any child of mine has a chance of ever being cool.. the whole “cool” thing totally past me by but I don’t think it was to my detriment, plus saved a small fortune.

I hesitated to use the word cool but it was the best I could do.
The son of a friend of mine is a very good guitarist and quite a good looking lad but was very low in confidence to the point that he couldn’t stand looking in a mirror or seeing pictures of himself, yet he could stand on stage and play lead guitar. The mind is a strange thing.
Drums are a good thing from the point of view of usually being tucked away at the back of the stage.
I don’t think the issue is about his hobbies or time filling, more about his self confidence and the perception of him by the other kids.

 

[melted welly]

The school can be forced to look after your son better, but can't change the other children significantly. Would you consider moving schools? I moved my daughter for the last year of primary and she had the best year of her school life.

Would consider it, may be easier for him to move to a primary with closer links to where he’ll go to secondary, build new relationships. His brother is fairly settled where they are though.

 

[melted welly]

Is there a junior young farmers near you? In England some clubs start at 10.
Sounds like your lad might enjoy it.

I’ll look into it, my father never afforded me any time off to attend so I have no experience of YF.

 

[melted welly]

My little boy has just started school and I’m petrified reading all this! He’s just like I was; quiet and not really into normal townie stuff. Looking back; I always had a lot more female friends than other boys-you don’t ‘often’ get a girl bullying a boy or vice versa-maybe this could be an idea for some of the kids mentioned? I certainly found them easier to talk to. Plus at that age they’re less of a distraction

To be clear, our other, younger boy is very small for his age, multiple food allergies, weird packed lunches etc and he has no bother, or he seems to deal with it himself, he is very happy at school. The elder is a tricky character and often doesn’t help himself, but he should not be coming home bruised as a result. The issue seems to be specific to his cohort, not the school as a whole.

 

[melted welly]

Careful with the guitar idea though, nephew of Mrs N's friend topped himself when the band he was in wanted to drop him.

Unfortunately he wasn't getting to be a better player no matter how much he practised, rest of the band didn't to lose him as a friend, but he just wasn't good enough to play.

Well that’s the guitar idea out the window

 

[Frodo]

Would consider it, may be easier for him to move to a primary with closer links to where he’ll go to secondary, build new relationships. His brother is fairly settled where they are though.

Loads of siblings go to different schools. Its not a big deal, albeit makes logistics difficult.

 

[Flatlander]

To be clear, our other, younger boy is very small for his age, multiple food allergies, weird packed lunches etc and he has no bother, or he seems to deal with it himself, he is very happy at school. The elder is a tricky character and often doesn’t help himself, but he should not be coming home bruised as a result. The issue seems to be specific to his cohort, not the school as a whole.

My youngest girl had problems with bullying at school from boys. Not physical but name calling and not letting her join in. She’s a heavy set kid too and tall so doesn’t fit with the skinny bitchy kids. Boys made her cry one day and older sister ran to her defence and floored the ring leader. He lost all his coolness being punched out by a 9 year old girl smaller than him. She found new confidence to make friends without the threat of being bullied hanging over her head. The yfc took me from being a quiet shy kid living in my own world on my own. Took little time to fit in with other farm kids with common interest. My secondary school was 800 kids and I was the only one from a farm. Even if yfc starts at ten they may let him join or attend early with a word in the right ear.