Translating New Employee Key Phrases Part 1

[deleted user 436632456]

I going to translate some of the favourite key phrases new employees have said to me over the last few months, note all the one's that have said these to me have become the departed.
I'm really going through a if I don't laugh.. I will cry stage currently with recruitment.

I like to keep a clean tractor - I'm going to throw my toys out of the pram when you ask me to clean my tractor but what I will do is pick the most inappropriate moments to decide when I personally feel like cleaning my tractor, this will probably be randomly throughout the day especially when the harvester is waiting but you know I need a good pic for social media.

I hate standing about doing nothing, I like to be kept busy - Basically I like to make myself look busy and talk a real good days work but I'm going to skive off work at every possible chance I can.

I'm mad for work, give me all the hours you can - I'm keen to work but I don't really have time to work because my social calendar is soo busy, do you not know that there was a lockdown the last year? My friends phone me to go day drinking/on random trips during the working week and it would be rude not to. I'm actually really going to struggle to achieve 30 hours work a week but could you still pay me for 50?

If you pay peanuts you get monkeys - I personally know that my worth is basically net zero but if I use this phrase an employer will think that I'm really good and will pay me the kings ransom per hour.

I could get £2 amount more per hour working for x - The other contractor is offering me more money on a self-employed basis, I don't have to worry about PAYE, NI, Holiday pay, Sick pay, pension and other perks of the job because the extra £2 more than covers it. And of course I can just ring my current employer on a rainy day and then get p*issed at him when he tells me that he doesn't have any work for me.

What way do the holidays work? - I've only worked here for 2 weeks but I would really like to take 3 weeks of paid leave, could I have the bank transfer now? I really need the holiday pay for a trip I'm taking. What do you mean that you have to earn your holidays? That really doesn't sound right, I'm going to contact the citizens advice.

N.b. It's amazing how many will tell you how keen they are for work during the interview but I have now worked out that it is a complete BS statement, It's been RED FLAGGED for future reference.

The search for the diamonds in the rough continues...

 

[RAF]

I can’t for the life off me work out why anyone would want to employ someone on the books or at all

 

[Flat 10]

I can’t for the life off me work out why anyone would want to employ someone on the books or at all

I think it’s the biggest barrier to business expansion for me

 

[spark plug]

Good luck on your search, you’ll need it

 

[teslacoils]

I can’t for the life off me work out why anyone would want to employ someone on the books or at all

Yes. This. In every way this. And they wonder why folk would rather have eastern Europeans picking crops.

 

[herman]

I've found it reasonable at the moment to breed staff.
Got eldest working well and next one is very keen but at school still.
Mum and Dad had myself and brother, plus he's got one upcoming still at school.
Just need plenty of good paying work.
Employees might work out easier when the falling out starts over who owns what [emoji15]

 

[deleted user 436632456]

I can’t for the life off me work out why anyone would want to employ someone on the books or at all

I'm almost there.
I used to believe that you couldn't do it without them but recently my mine has been wavering.

Bring on the Automation!!!!

 

[MF-ANDY]

I think it’s the biggest barrier to business expansion for

What you need is a handy relative. They don't cost much

 

[farenheit]

Yes, don't employ anyone. Farming should solely be the preserve of children inheriting their dad's farm!!!

 

[betweenthelines]

Written CV's were a good source of entertainment when I did a lot of recruitment

Able to work unsupervised--I get put on the jobs that even a trained chimp could do.
Current benefits include Company vehicle-they let me use the van for the "chippy run"
Can multi task-able to feck up several things at the same time
Experienced -have heard what you have to do on this job
Fully experienced-did this type of work for a day and was told not to come back
Flexible as to hours-Once stayed five minutes after knocking-off time and moaned about it for a month
Good time keeper-always ten minutes late in the morning and leave 5 minutes early.
Self motivated- Job Centre have said they'll stop my benefits.
Willing to learn-thick as two planks
Team worker-happy to watch everyone else work
Used to taking responsibility-like telling everyone else what they're doing wrong
Lateral thinker-can make a balls up in ways you never thought possible.

I had one guy tell me he worked in a "fast paced, customer orientated catering fulfilment role" where he had use of a company vehicle.

He delivered pizzas on a moped. (Part time)

 

[Dry Rot]

I had one lad come for interview who said he was currently in full employment but looking to better himself. He said he was working for the government in communications. Full marks for presentation. I later found out he was a temporary postman over Christmas but by then I'd employed him...and sacked him!.

 

[glow worm]

We're very lucky now .. fingers crossed, touch wood etc etc!! but oh boy, have we meet similar horror stories in the past. At interview, one relief milker asked what the wi-fi signal was like in the parlour! Another did a milking with me as 'induction' then on 1st day of new job, texted they were going to be 5 mins late for milking but were on their way .. never turned up .. didnt turn up for next arranged two milkings either .. no phone call / explanation .. rang me at 23.30 asking for an online payment for the induction milking!!! Another failed to turn up as the volume washer hose was on the floor and they had to mend down to pick it up which, in their opinion, made the parlour 'unfit for purpose!!'

 

[JeepJeep]

We had Superstars turning up for an Interview... In Bus&Coach world, it was a small world. You'd have the low down before they turned up and likewise when they were looking elsewhere you'd have the question , Do you know "X what they like?". TomTom drums would do the work. They'd be waiting for the Interview chuntering sh!t in the canteen as they knew others etc.. I'd be taking it all in and asked my opinion afterwards... The place was run by Cowboys anyway so it was always a generic answer I couldn't give a f**k.. "They'll be a fine asset to the team"

 

[jackrussell101]

That's the trouble with us dairy boys, we get all the sh1t

 

[Boysground]

I had one turn up for interview, he spent most of the interview telling me how bad his current employer was, another dairy farmer about 30 miles from here.

I never did tell him I went to college with the other chap .

Bg

 

[melted welly]

We had a bloke years ago who said in the interview “I dunno, I’ve always just kinda had a natural gift for the work”.

I was going away for 2 wks and the last thing I said was “let’s just get someone from the machinery ring for a fortnight and we’ll sort it out when I get back”

Got back and here’s the lad on the forklift in the yard

Well we had it all, proper Bob Geldoff, didn’t really do weekends either, if the phone went at 0630hrs on a Monday, you didn’t even have to read it to know what it was about. Was once he was off sick on a Thursday and I found out after he’d ceased employment that he’d been queuing up for the launch of some computer game overnight and caught a chill, the bloke was in his mid 40s.

To be honest was often better when he wasn’t in, put both the front furrow points on the wagon plough thru a (new) set of tyres, knocked the arm off the box tipler midway thru loading a lorry by driving into a Stantion. Made such a mess of putting boxes of graded product in rows on a fan that it took me and another lad till near 10 o’clock at night to sort it out when we got back. Neighbour put up a new gate and within 24hrs this Wally had bent it with a subsoiler driving down a track he shouldn’t ever of been on.

Used to have random cardicks turn up in fields in their souped up 306gtis to visit him, couple of doughnuts in stubble for good measure.

Christ, put you off folk for a long time.

 

[melted welly]

Had another young lad come for an interview who said he was looking for a new job as he was fed up being the bitch at current employer and got all the crap jobs and crap tractors. Very keen to know what would be “his” tractor, hated NH ones, especially the TMs........they were proper shite.....

Phoned his current employer (next door neighbour but one ), got a very fair, honest and very different perspective on things.

What a plonker.

 

[betweenthelines]

Had one guy who quit half way through a delivery round-just dumped the truck in the yard jumped in his car and f**ked off without a word. Rang me a week later asking for a reference

An other guy worked with us for about 6 months, came back one day, handed his paperwork into the office as normal, on the bottom of one he had written "Stuff your job" never saw his again.

 

[kiwi pom]

I going to translate some of the favourite key phrases new employees have said to me over the last few months, note all the one's that have said these to me have become the departed.
I'm really going through a if I don't laugh.. I will cry stage currently with recruitment.

I like to keep a clean tractor - I'm going to throw my toys out of the pram when you ask me to clean my tractor but what I will do is pick the most inappropriate moments to decide when I personally feel like cleaning my tractor, this will probably be randomly throughout the day especially when the harvester is waiting but you know I need a good pic for social media.

I hate standing about doing nothing, I like to be kept busy - Basically I like to make myself look busy and talk a real good days work but I'm going to skive off work at every possible chance I can.

I'm mad for work, give me all the hours you can - I'm keen to work but I don't really have time to work because my social calendar is soo busy, do you not know that there was a lockdown the last year? My friends phone me to go day drinking/on random trips during the working week and it would be rude not to. I'm actually really going to struggle to achieve 30 hours work a week but could you still pay me for 50?

If you pay peanuts you get monkeys - I personally know that my worth is basically net zero but if I use this phrase an employer will think that I'm really good and will pay me the kings ransom per hour.

I could get £2 amount more per hour working for x - The other contractor is offering me more money on a self-employed basis, I don't have to worry about PAYE, NI, Holiday pay, Sick pay, pension and other perks of the job because the extra £2 more than covers it. And of course I can just ring my current employer on a rainy day and then get p*issed at him when he tells me that he doesn't have any work for me.

What way do the holidays work? - I've only worked here for 2 weeks but I would really like to take 3 weeks of paid leave, could I have the bank transfer now? I really need the holiday pay for a trip I'm taking. What do you mean that you have to earn your holidays? That really doesn't sound right, I'm going to contact the citizens advice.

N.b. It's amazing how many will tell you how keen they are for work during the interview but I have now worked out that it is a complete BS statement, It's been RED FLAGGED for future reference.

The search for the diamonds in the rough continues...

Sounds like you're employing kids? Maybe stop doing that and employ operators.

Perhaps put your pay, conditions, weekly/daily hours and requirements on here?

 

[Flat 10]

Sounds like you're employing kids? Maybe stop doing that and employ operators.

Perhaps put your pay, conditions, weekly/daily hours and requirements on here?

Man you love to stir stuff up