Spending quality time as a family

[MillyFyfe]

I’m a farmers’ wife with two young children aged 1 and 2. My husband works long hours on the family farm and rarely takes time for a break. I worry that he is missing out on the children growing up and we spend little time together as a family. I try to involve the children with life on the farm but as they are so young, it can become dangerous. I also feel quite lonely as I am on my own with the children all the time with little support around me. How can I instigate change within my husband’s mindset (and his family) to look to employing someone part time? I have talked to him but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.

 

[pine_guy]

I guiltily if this. When I did get good staff I was also guilty of taking more on instead of taking it more easy Wife’s not from farming background and o wasn’t farming when we got married. It’s tricky. I enjoy it when I do get the time. Finding good staff can be hard which is a problem. Nothing grates me more than paying an idiot to do something poorly that I could have done better my self in a fraction of the time. Due to member of staff going for an opp, I’m currently on 16+ hour days. And fire fighting, not on top of things. But I have just started in dairy in the spring. Hope my new member of staff in October is as good as he seemed

sorry, that doesn’t answer your question. But you are not alone. My problem I think is farming is my hobby, with the added incentive I have a few hundred thousand invested in it.

 

[Frodo]

Not easy, choose your moments and stand your ground.

There is no point in suggesting a day away on a nice harvest day, but be flexible and if raining be organised to go. Also work out when things are a bit quieter and organise things to look forward to then.

the kids will grow up quick and if your husband isn’t involved he will miss out. Also after a day or week away it’s amazing how little will have changed on the farm. Everyone is better for a break.

Take care, Covid has kind of messed everything up and toddlers are hard work. Do you have friends in a similar boat you can meet up with?

Make the most of harvest teas.

 

[N.Yorks.]

Be careful as he might feel pulled in different directions. Think the post above definitely makes sense about being flexible and choosing your moments though.

My wife used to go nuts when she felt like she was always waiting for me to stop - I couldn't understand why she didn't sometimes just head out and have a nice time without me rather than going mad when I couldn't go.

Best of luck.

 

[Sharpy]

Pressure of work is a terrible thing too, maybe he feels he is showing he cares by pushing himself to provide for his family. What could you do that would free up some together time? The gofer runs maybe? Every bit helps, and if you are all pulling together maybe he will feel able to relax now and again.

 

[farmerm]

I can only speak from a male perspective but I am know you are far from being the only one in this situation. I suspect there are few of us husbands on this forum who can honestly say our wives haven't felt similar to you are some point. I know when our children where that age my wife greatly benefited from the support network she formed though the local mother and toddlers group, something sadly much less accessible in these pandemic times. Changing someone else's mindset is a difficult challenge! It is double difficult when you are looking to change both the mindset of making space in the day for family time and the mindset of taking on an employee. As a farmer it can easy to fill every spare hour of the day doing "important jobs" that would be left if you costed them at the wage of an employee.. The better you and your husband understand each others challenges the more each side can make compromises and adjustments. If you do not already get a firm grip in understand both the day to day and seasonal challenges as well as the financial position of the business, ultimately your financial future and that of your children is reliant upon it. Show your husband you understand the challenges he is under but also show him its bloody tough being a mum with young kids. You have to accept there are peaks in the year when his time is in short supply, your husband needs to accept when the pressure is off he needs to make time to spend with you and the family. Network with other farmers wives if you can, if nothing else it is good to have friends in similar situation with which you can vent your frustrations.

Having kids is tough enough! Best of luck

 

[Cowslip]

I am in a similar sutuation, we have a 3 year old. He's never in before 9pm when he does get a day off all he wants to do is sleep. I keep saying our little boy will be at school next year. Have resigned to the fact I'm practically a single parent without the benefits( less washing, less cleaning and tidying up) it's miserable on your own and I have really struggled. Now our son is 3 they are much better to do things with at that age. Hang in there it gets better with the children but not the husband!

 

[Chae1]

I am in a similar sutuation, we have a 3 year old. He's never in before 9pm when he does get a day off all he wants to do is sleep. I keep saying our little boy will be at school next year. Have resigned to the fact I'm practically a single parent without the benefits( less washing, less cleaning and tidying up) it's miserable on your own and I have really struggled. Now our son is 3 they are much better to do things with at that age. Hang in there it gets better with the children but not the husband!

You sound like my wife!

She's always playing the single parent card.

Does the whole family in a fastrac spraying count as family time?

 

[bobk]

We've got 4 kids and my better half worked full time too , what's the issue ? boredom .

 

[Y Fan Wen]

I will forever be grateful to my father for insisting that I go off on a family holiday every year.
Mrs Y was a full time teacher then as well as mother to the little one.
He insisted that I book a week's holiday at Whit and October break, no excuses.
'It'll all be there when you get back', was his attitude.
The breaks did me an awful lot of good as well and I look back on them with happiness.

 

[Tomr10]

My old man regrets the time he spent with us growing up. He now puts grand kids befor all else.

A few times my mum packed his bags when we were growing up for working to much.

Problem is you think your helping the family by working making money.

There can always be the other side of it maybe he struggles with the family life and works more to avoid it. I travel a bit for work come home and want to have some me time wife says you had that last week.

I'd suggest getting away from entertaining kids on far go to kids clubs groups will take your mind away from him not being there and hopefully it will drag him to seeing the things hes missing out on

 

[Cowslip]

You sound like my wife!

She's always playing the single parent card.

Well maybe you should listen to her, offer to bath the children and put them to bed. Cook the dinner and wash up afterwards. I'm sure your wife would appreciate it because I would. We don't expect every night but once in a while would be nice

 

[Chae1]

Well maybe you should listen to her, offer to bath the children and put them to bed. Cook the dinner and wash up afterwards. I'm sure your wife would appreciate it because I would. We don't expect every night but once in a while would be nice

Just away to put them to bed now. There currently battling on some asphalt cowboy game! Wife in the bath.

 

[Cowslip]

Just away to put them to bed now. There currently battling on some asphalt cowboy game! Wife in the bath.

Mines in bed asleep. husband currently putting corncracker in forager ready for the weekend. I'm about to start cooking dinner. Up at 6am as I'm scanning cattle all day.

Keep up the good work

 

[Cowslip]

Just away to put them to bed now. There currently battling on some asphalt cowboy game! Wife in the bath.

For extra brownie points take your wife a glass of wine or cup of tea

 

[theboytheboy]

I know my dad is terribly guilty he missed out on us growing up....he is now making up for it by spending lots of time with my boys who adore him.

He also encourages me to take every opportunity to be with them myself. As a dad to young boys its scary how quickly they grow up.

I am lucky in a way that he learnt the lesson so i don't have to.

 

[Kidds]

As a grandfather, father and a son I can assure you all that your young kids want is your time not your money.

 

[tepapa]

I’m a farmers’ wife with two young children aged 1 and 2. My husband works long hours on the family farm and rarely takes time for a break. I worry that he is missing out on the children growing up and we spend little time together as a family. I try to involve the children with life on the farm but as they are so young, it can become dangerous. I also feel quite lonely as I am on my own with the children all the time with little support around me. How can I instigate change within my husband’s mindset (and his family) to look to employing someone part time? I have talked to him but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.

What type of farming are you in? the different sectors have different seasonal workloads that you need to plan around.
Do you life on the farm? as you should have time to see him during the day when he comes in for breaks, keep him in the house a bit longer to play with the kids?

You will have to break him slowly. I'm supposed to have two days off a week but I only remember agreeing to one. After a couple of years of nagging I've realised there is more than just work and now look forward to a day off a week to relax and go out for the day. I took a lot of moaning to get there though.
Another thing that eats into my work time now is baby sitting although apparently its not baby sitting when its your own child. Parents have shared responsibilities you have a right to make your partner look after the children for some amount of time during the week. You shouldn't have to shoulder the responsibilities alone. There isn't much happening with covid but take him with you when you take the kids out e.g. swimming and a grab meal or coffee afterwards then let him go back to work. Farmings only a 24/7 job if you make it one.

 

[flowerpot]

My daughter's boyfriend was talking about some of his "family days out" (his parents are farmers too) and I can quite clearly remember thinking "family days out? I can't remember any family days out" - and I realised that there never were any.

 

[glasshouse]

I’m a farmers’ wife with two young children aged 1 and 2. My husband works long hours on the family farm and rarely takes time for a break. I worry that he is missing out on the children growing up and we spend little time together as a family. I try to involve the children with life on the farm but as they are so young, it can become dangerous. I also feel quite lonely as I am on my own with the children all the time with little support around me. How can I instigate change within my husband’s mindset (and his family) to look to employing someone part time? I have talked to him but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.

Take his meals to the field with the kids